Hi there Nyx, I want to respond, I read your whole post, but I'm having difficulty piecing together your situation. Do you feel that it was rape? Is that your question still? It seems like you have difficulty speaking up in relating and also issues with being passive. As for being forward while drunk, it seems like you want acceptance, like you said, and sex is a surefire way to be accepted by a man isn't it? I don't know, but I think the poster who said you can't consent while drunk is correct. As for the fondling you awake and the going through the motions just because he wants it, no that isn't right. These things should be mutual and in a healthy relationship with a caring partner, communication about these things would be encouraged, allowed and natural. I don't think you had a very caring partner - caring about you or your needs. It sounds like it is best it is over for you now.

And sorry if this is not a very good answer to your question. I am very similar to you in some ways so maybe I would have a difficult time recognizing what is what. Hopefully others will reply and will have some better insight. And also, question for you - why the title to your post: Triggered by accepting something was wrong. Sexual. I don't understand the triggered by accepting something was wrong part. Is it that you are accepting that what he did was wrong? What was the trigger for this? Sorry if I don't understand very well. Maybe I am mixed up with my own past situations also.