Quote:
Originally Posted by Nicoleresati
I've been seeing a counselor..I've now been four time over the course of a couple month. I don't really feel I've gotten anywhere, after the second time I got quite a bit out and just felt nasty for days after, and having the fourth time this past Thursday I also got quite a bit out and didn't really feel any kind of way. I have problems controlling my anger I take it out on myself and objects, never people. It's become different lately before I would get upset or anything I would just like hit myself..now I start crying and shaking and just hitting stop like repeatedly begging whatever it is to stop? I used to cut and things like that, burn. I tried marijuana for the first time the day to try and relieve myself of some of my thoughts and to feel better, but it did nothing for me. I put it out on my arm? I also got mad today and hit the windshield. I think I become overwhelmed, but I also took the last 10 pills of mirtazapine I stole..and was really sensitive today's that could also be the problem. The harming myself isn't my main concern. I was having really bad suicidal thought a few years back to the point where I was going to get up out of bed and shoot myself with my dads gun, but I told myself the devil wants me to do this and I just didn't I cried myself to sleep and haven't been that bad since, I had a dream a few nights ago about these 2 girls, they were arguing and one of them was saying "no I don't want to do it" and the other gave her reasons to do it. Next thing I know she jumps over the railing and I hear a loud popping noise, then the other climbs over backwards and I hear two pops. That following night and all through out that day I couldn't stop thinking about it and I would see the girls looking at me, they had distorted evil faces. I was sitting on the edge of my bad arguing with myself about whether this was real life or if I was dreaming and I went into a panic attack I'm guessing and said I thought the devil was talking to me and attached it. I didn't think that I just thought of the devil and went into a panic.I think it's my inner self arguing about suicide..it's become something I just associate everything with. I'm unhappy, and I think it's okay to be unhappy, but I don't know how my counselor is going to make me any happier? My mood can change in an instant..just when I thought I was over it and was content yesterday, today happened. I've also had trouble deciphering reality from dream that's not constant just reoccurring. My moods go from overly laughing, to upset. From being angry, to upset. Then from happy, to no emotion. A lot.
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Hi Nicoleresati,
I'm sorry you're having such a tough time. I have a bit of advice that I really hope you'll pay attention to.
** Don't take antidepressants unless they're prescribed to you and don't take bunches at a time depending on how you're feeling. Antidepressants can have serious side effects which might actually be part of what you're experiencing right now. Taking a bunch of them because you're feeling really bad isn't the way they're supposed to be used. **
I'm not totally sure that this is going to help you, but it might. I know its weird, but people sometimes end up with out of control anger from depression. You might want to read these notes and see if it makes any sense to you:
http://egg.bu.edu/~youssef/SNAP_CLUB...0164151576.pdf
In general, I think there's some good stuff in your post about trying to understand what's going on in your own head (who knows that better than you, after all?). Keep trying to understand it yourself and keep trying new things that make you feel better. Just the search helps, I think, and if you find one or two things that help, it can be very encouraging. You may get some hints from this plan:
http://forums.psychcentral.com/4262681-post105.html

- vital