Dear T and Pdoc

Will all of this be worth it? I know you can't answer this question. No one can. We can't look into the future. But I wish I could know.
I was laying on my bed staring at the ceiling and thought; what's the point of all of this. Life. It's so pointless. You are born, you are alive for some time and then you die. Why can't I choose when to die. It's my life, my choice. I really don't know what to do. I don't want anything out of life.
Though recently, I have been fantasizing about you, pdoc and about mariage with you, a life with you. I know that can't ever happen. But I can't remember when I actually fantasized about a life with someone. I think it must be when I was still a young naive teen.
But it makes me sad. I don't have a life. No good man would ever like me. I'm doomed to a life alone.