I am trying to go do thing go to the shops (small ones i can deal with big crowds) but it is just making me stressed i have been trying to just focus on my school work but i am failing and it is just making me tired. i have an appointment with my psychologist in a couple of days but i dont know that it will do much i feel like i am wasiting his and everyone elses time i am not worth the effort people are putting in even if it isnt much i am still not worth it.

i am also isolating myself a lot too i havent spoken to anyone in ages and i feel bad but i just cant deal with people at the moment i have been trying to exercise and eat more but each time i eat i want to make myself throw up i hate food and i hate eating i am so tired i havent slept for more than a few hours a night in 9 months and things keep getting worse but i dont have the energy to fight my head or the other things i just want to curl up in a ball and hide somewhere dark. i know i am pushing people away but it is only so they will let me go quietly i am just i dont even know anymore i feel like something is pulling me down deeper and deeper into a black hole and i am swirling around and around with nothing to cling to flailing and screaming but no one can hear me there is no light it is dark and i will never see the light again because i am being sucked too fast.