Hey guys, I want to start by saying that I really am thankful for this place. It's been wonderful reading so many stories and learning about so many others that are in my shoes. I've been lurking, but hadn't felt like contributing until today.

Here's where my head is at today. I'm BP1 and have been diagnosed for several years, but I don't take med anymore because I like to live, and feel, and emote. I know it's a bad idea, and now I'm going to change that. This weekend I went on a short float trip with some friends during a strong hypomania episode, and things got a little out of control. I drank a lot. Nearly 70 beers on Saturday, blacked out by noon. Woke up Sunday morning with another woman in my tent. I should have mentioned that I'm in a pretty serious relationship, but she was not on this trip. Needless to say, I'm having some extreme panic attacks. I don't know what to do, but I can tell you that I'd much rather die than tell my girlfriend about this. I haven't slept in 2 days, I can't focus on work. I've locked my gun up, but I still think I might really kill myself. I don't know how I let this happen.

Is this the fault of the alcohol? The BP? Or am I just a monster?

What do I do?