SoccerMom, you mentioned feeling "attunement/connection" with your T. That perfectly describes what I feel with my marriage counselor. Yesterday in our joint session, he talked to me about how it's OK to make mistakes (I'm kind of a perfectionist) and that people who care about me will accept me even if I do (from other stuff he said, he's one of those people). That really struck me, because it's like my mom won't accept that I can make mistakes. As I mentioned to him, I got a speeding ticket like, oh, 12 years ago, and it was only recently that she stopped saying "Stay out of the fast lane" when I was headed home from her house on the interstate. I always did well in school, but I still remember the one time in elementary school, I think, where I forgot to turn in a homework assignment and got a 0. The teacher explained how well I'd have to do on everything going forward to manage to get an A in the class. My mom never really let me forget that (even though I think I managed to get an A). I didn't feel like I could make a mistake, and if I did, I felt like it made me less worthy of love.

So MC saying that yesterday just really struck me at a primal level. It wasn't just like he said it once. He kept trying to get that across to me and even took off his glasses for like 10 minutes talking to me (he's only done that one other time for more than like a minute, and that was when I was talking about some scary thoughts I was having). I assume for him it was like taking down a barrier between us, so I could really look into his eyes and understand what he was saying. (Or maybe he just wanted me to appear a bit fuzzy.) But it really sunk in, and I was a little weepy in the office, but sobbing on the way home and for a while afterward. Because I realized that I wish my mom could have told me that 30-some years ago. Really, I wish she'd say that even now. The fact that MC seems accepting of me no matter what--like he asked me, in relation to my asking if I could reach out to him in a crisis, that if I called his cell at midnight several nights in a row for non-crisis reasons, what did I think he'd do. And I said he'd either tell me "Stop f***ing calling me" or block my number. He said it really bothered him that I assumed he'd cut me off for doing that. Instead, he'd just talk to me at a reasonable hour about determining when it's appropriate to call his cell late at night, but he wouldn't be mad.

Can I have maternal transference for a male T? Because that's what this seems like...my mom was the one who made the rules, etc., while my dad was just kind of in a passive role. At first I thought that I wanted from my dad what MC was giving me. But really, I think I wanted (and still want) that from my mom...or both of them, I guess.

So, through all of that, I'm saying I understand. And I don't have an answer for you...