I feel as though as I have changed, just from looking back at my childhood, things at that point in time, it felt so simple, so innocent. I believe that I was naive regarding my youth, and my naivety contributed to the way that I am now. I have changed, because now as time goes by, I keep thinking what it would be like had I not gone through what I did; my happiness felt shattered, and it was at that point that I knew I had changed.

I felt like religion abandoned me, wanted to see me suffer from what I was going through. If no 'god' wanted to see little children suffer, how come it was me who had gone through the horrible things that I did, and received nothing but the damning silence from my prayers? That is not a loving, caring god, that is a twisted sadist, wanting to see suffering and only helps when they see fit, and I will not follow that path of isolation.

I do not know what I want for myself. Honestly, if I could restart my life, I would do it in a heartbeat. I do not want to live knowing the fact that what I had gone through put me in such a pathetic state as this, where only pills and money-influenced "therapy" is the only way out. I do not want to keep going this path, either I keep living and continue to look back at my past and only endure the future, or die and let the sadness end.