Ok, you guys are my test audience. I can't bring myself to utter these words to my T (and I think she's starting to get irritated by it b/c she pushed really hard today), but I have to get it off my chest. I have blank spots in my memory and don't remember any specific acts of csa, but I'm thinking maybe....

1. For as long as I can remember, I have had to lie in bed with my back against the wall and me facing the door or I would never be able to fall asleep. I slept sitting up my entire freshman year of college b/c it was impossible to arrange the bed that way in my dorm room.

2. There are certain places where I can't be touched without losing it - panic and vomiting result.

3. 9 years ago when I went for my first (and only) pelvic exam, I had a strong reaction that shocked the hell out of me. I wasn't looking forward to it b/c I figured it would be unpleasant, but there was no fear of any kind. Well, as soon as the DR touched me "there" panic washed over me, my heart was racing, I couldn't breathe and I started shaking and vomiting. It was horrible - I have never felt so much fear - and I've never been back.

4. Sex is not an easy thing for me. My husband lived without intercourse for the first half of our 9 year marriage. It's taken a long time to not be afraid of it and even longer to actually enjoy it sometimes. I still do it out of a feeling of obligation most of the time.

5. As a kid, in Sex Ed, I was confused after seeing the drawings of male genitals. I had an image in my mind of what they looked like and what I was seeing in the books was all wrong. Then, years later, when I saw my husband, it was like the pictures and not what I had in my mind. Recently my grandmother was talking about how poor they'd been and offhandedly remarked that because of money, my Dad and his brothers weren't circumcised. So, I've been on the Internet looking at pictures of uncircumcised men - both flacid and erect. That is EXACTLY the image that I had in my mind's eye all along.

Again, I have no specific memories of csa. But I do have some "holes" of sorts in my memory. They all have to do with my father and my bedroom. Like I remember him coming into my room and then nothing else. Or I remember him being angry and dragging me to my room, but not what happened after that.

Help! I am so overwhelmed!!!!