Sometimes I feel that now that I don'tsmoke and drink like I used to, I'm not the same person- I'm definitely not going to smoke- but perhaps have a drink semi regularly- it helps me open up, be more natural- I don't know. It's hard to explain- like I feel like I did a lot of social learning/maturing in college back when I used to drink and stuff. Like the whole state dependant memory- I think it applies to my emotional inferiority now that I'm sober- Like being in high school all over again- I've thought of having undiagnosed aspergers- I've taken tests on here multiple times saying it's very likely- if that's the case- I feel like intoxication access parts of my brain in terms of emotional regularity and normalcy that I can't always do on my own. I used to definitely feel like that when it came to smoking weed. I'd smoke a little weed and then have a cigarette before most of my social interactions and be great. But I think I smoked too much to the point of breaking something in me- now whenever I smoke I seem to go crazy . . . . . I regret smoking it at that party on Saturday- so stupid of me- I'm remembering how smoking weed induces paranoid anxiety- because I'm predisposed- I would always calm it with more weed .. .. I'm not doing that- I think I'm obviously better without it- I have been making improvements and reaching milestones on my own without it in recent years- except I'm not good at keeping up relationships (friendships and the like) anymore . . . even with relatives. I think that people don't care, when I'm sure I'm giving off the same vibes to them so thing become stagnant. But other times I feel like I see through people and see through how they pretend- because not everyone rubs me the wrong way- a lot of people I get long great with- and then now after the party a few coworkers are acting weird around me- probably because I might've embarrassed myself or something. Oh well. That's life, you never know what you're going to get .(so lame I know)
This post I guess is better than the post I was going to do about being depressed and feeling like a loser because I let my life pass me by and don't do anything I like to do- no determination, no ambition, always feeling like I'm lacking something inside. . . . and this is why I used to smoke- to turn my ever active mind off, or at least slow it down a bit . .. I need to get back into meditation like my friend suggested.