I was never ambitious for anything really
no plan for life-
I always thought I'd figure things out.
Now I feel I've wasted many different avenues I could've pursued back then
Starting to be at the age where I better start having kids soon and then what?
I have too many regrets-
more of things I never did than what I did do-
never played an instrument (my mom didn't let me when I was young)
never pursued an extracurricular sport activity beyond middle school age
no nights of karaoke with friends
no nights reading and listening to poetry (a little bit by myself)
no horse riding
no publishing of my writing or pursuing that avenue
no pursuing a MA when I was younger and really going for a career I love because It was always too much time and money and now it's been ten years since college and I have nothing but regrets-
I never did a lot of things-
no friends
I didn't keep in touch/they didn't, whatever, I still feel bad.
I have a boyfriend who loves me
but I can't see a future (in general I never could)-
with him yes, maybe-
I just see everything falling apart when
he realizes how much I lack as a human being-
I'm so damaged
even as a child I never thought I'd live to see adulthood-
I couldn't fathom it
I was the precocious girl that always goes missing-
this goes along with my sense of luck- I probably just barely missed getting kidnapped and killed many times-
I did always like to go on long walks by myself ever since I was a young child . . .
and now my siblings are married and I'm an aunt and it's so weird.
I think my grip on reality is going.
I'm stuck in the early 2000's.
I feel like I stopped living a long time ago- for at least 7 years now I've felt more dead than alive- even when I'm happy.
I disconnect with reality all the time-
perhaps panic attacks?
I don't know- I think depression and anxiety (for me it goes hand in hand) really distorts your perspective of the world/distorts reality.
I'm having a good cry as I write this- hopefully I'll be better in a few hours for when I go to work.
I'm good at pretending I'm okay around others, for the most part.
I guess I should stop putting up a front-
letting others know what I'm going through can be a good way to connect- or they'll just think I'm a Debbie Downer . .. . some people who can't relate to being depressed tend to almost be offended when people try to talk to them about it . . .
maybe those people are just insensitive assholes and I shouldn't worry about them?
Probably. . . . but then again, nobody wants to make friends with someone who seems unstable- I'm normally not like this . .. I guess I've been having these 'episodes' in recent months,- feeling inadequate- the only person to blame is myself for all these regrets I have . . .. .
