I find the concept and feeling of love confusing. I can't seem to hold a regular relationship with a female no matter how hard I try because I don't think I know how to love or if I do, I don't know how to show it correctly.

Please keep in mind, I was emotionally neglected and abused as a child and I was never shown any genuine love or affection which is a big reason why I feel this way.

I've never had a relationship for any more than a couple of months and most of my relations with women are superficial and physical at best. I frequently push people away or avoid letting them in yet part of me wants to.

In short, I don't know what it's like to be loved nor do I understand the feeling of love.

The closest thing that I've had to a relationship was with a long distance open relationship with a woman with BPD. We built our bond based more on a conditional selfish standpoint. We only help or care each other when one person benefits the other yet she is nurturing and affectionate when I benefit her and pushes me away when I don't. I think this is the closest thing that I will ever achieve to love with a woman.

To me, love is nothing more than an evolutionary process designed to ensure our survival and to get us to procreate. Love is selfish in it's own right and we are selfish as a species.

What do you all think? Should I give up on finding anything resembling "unconditional" love or should I seek more selfish love like I described above?