I was typing all this just as I was coming out of the flashback so... It's likely all over the place.

The trigger was that I fully and utterly accepted the fact I had been sexually assaulted (he has performance issues with his penis and so was unlikely to have penetrated me that way*, so by law it was assault instead of rape). All the friends I had spoke to were very nervous about saying anything definite and I didn't want to make a problem out of it as I felt I was likely to have accepted it. I was not properly connecting to the fact that I had still been far too drunk. One friend said to be careful about who I spoke to as it could be taken as rape.

However, when this other person flat out said it, I accepted it and then immediately began remembering all the other times I've been assaulted and raped. One I really should have reported, I didn't. Actually, I should have reported them all. It feels like I skimped on a duty.

Anyway, all of those memories came back but the more violent one was the flashback.

I guess it was a cascade from realisation to connecting similar past issues to realising how I am still clearly too vulnerable for relationships to the almost full movie flash.

As for what I feel now, I feel it was in legal terms sexual assault but in my own terms it was rape and a violation of me. One to add to the list.

I don't have enough evidence, I don't think. I mean, at a push, maybe it would work but all that would do is have me labeled as a false accuser and him paradoxically labeled as a sleazy rapist. Which I'm not convinced is the case. I think he literally doesn't understand it is wrong and he needs help. He's going to therapy anyway but I doubt that will come up.

Sent a final email. Reiterated that I have given him all the info on the issues I've seen, have has it confirmed by four others that these problems happen, that he needs to speak about it or he will end up in real trouble one day, and gave him one last chance at making a compromise on when we speak again (his was an unreasonably long time with an expectation I'd go along with it). He has to call instead of any other way, there's a fair time limit, and then after that I am washing my hands of him.

I'm done trying to help him.

He's been told that if he leaves it and then attempts to approach me when he was going to, I will walk away.

I wanted to assist not just in the understanding of that but with other issues. I have to accept people don't want help for things they don't see the problem with.

Why do I even give him the chance to call? I still love him, miss him, and want to be his friend, though never drunk around him.

You are most certainly right; I shouldn't give him any sort of chance. I'm a sucker. I don't actually expect a response though; his pride will be wounded. This way I have laid down my last hand and put my rules even further. He can't phone until a week is through and he only has a month and a half after that. Then I start the process of actively wiping him from me. I now no longer stay quiet about what he said about others - I have no secrets to hold against me and he never once swore me to secrecy. So I will talk to who I want about everything except perhaps the assault and groping, though a few close and mutual friends now know so I hope they will keep an eye on any woman around his. Probably won't. Rape culture and all that. *sigh*

Thing is, I'm more into women than men and while I have had mostly safe and consensual sex with them (one was a statutory intoxication one when I was 15 :/) I've never had a girlfriend. Women find me weird and maybe that's down to the possible ASD. I simply get lonely, try very hard on the dating scene to find a woman, get drunk and wind up sleeping with a lot of guys and then dating one.

I'm not in that scene any more. I realise I don't like the alcoholic tendencies I have and that while putting myself at risk when younger seemed like I was in control, I really wasn't.

Sorry if I confused you more.


*hands, maybe something substituting a toy, probably went down there to use mouth, etc. I don't know as I can't remember.