well, i went. i lost my favourite book on the bus on the way there and was in a tizzy about it so it was easy to start talking about something... and we talked a little bit about good news i had at the end of the week... it looks likely that i'll be able to get back into a hobby that i truly enjoy.

i was in a pretty good mood and he asked where i wanted to start, with the stuff we ended off on last week... or the crisis situation stuff. We talked a bit about the crisis problem first, but not about strategies... because i switched gears and decided i wanted to talk about our relationship.

i have mixed feelings about how it went. Right now, ironically, since i came home some of the crisis stuff has come up and i am feeling pretty low and anxious. It's hard now to remember how things felt or what was said... it'll come back to me.

he mentioned that something i said today tied into how last time he had been thinking that i took on responsibility and blame for the feelings of others, and we talked briefly about how i became my mother's mother at some point... i stopped him and said that all the intellectual things he was saying were true and helpful, productive, etc... but did he at any point consider how i might have felt at the time?

he said he had and he asked "so how did that feel?"

that didn't work and wasn't going to go anywhere... i looked at him, which is unusual for me, and i said that what i have been getting at and asking for is tied into this very idea... how do i know that he gives a crap about how it felt? He asked what i was afraid of, and i said that if i told him how i truly felt during the times of intense events and i did not get what i was telling him now i needed, i would feel worse.

i can't talk to him about feelings without knowing he will handle them in the way i need him to... he has at times, in the moment, been very caring and gentle... i need to know i can get that when i need it even if i can't ask for it or show him openly that i need it. There are times when i don't even know that there is pain underneath something... he needs to be able to help me find that and then be caring and gentle.

i told him i didn't know if he gave a crap. It bothers me that he didn't just say that he did care. But that's him, he'd rather talk about what that all means. i can deal with that i guess.

as we were talking towards the end he said that it didn't bother him, but he felt uncertain if it was always the best thing for me to spend so much of my therapy time talking about the process rather than trying to get a handle on some of the larger issues around me. He agreed when i said that this was a structural thing for me. i also agree with him that i have got to set it aside a bit... to just leave it alone and let it grow instead of constantly picking at it.

and that's where we left off.

sadly for me bad news was waiting at home It's always this way.