I am not sure if anyone will read this, but I feel like I want the opportunity to speak up and tell my story… the real things that go through a rape victims mind and how deeply it really effects even the most out there and confident of people.

Energetic, full of life, determined, strong willed, enthusiastic and driven, not to mention confident and a natural motivator and networker. This is just a few ways I would have described myself 2 months ago. Now I don’t trust anyone, I feel on edge and unsure of myself. I am left questioning every single thought that pops into my head. First I feel so helpless I could die, then comes an anger so intense it shakes my soul, and then in comes the all consuming guilt and shame. I cannot shake the feeling that every movement, every breath, every word is being scrutinized every moment of every day. My days are like a hurricane of different emotions arguing with eachother in a violent whirling storm that has no end.

So now I am a “rape victim”, a rape survivor… But I just cannot accept this is me. How is a rape victim supposed to act? Do I need to toughen up and get on with it? Do I need to lock myself in a dark room and cry it out? Do I step up and fight back?

I guess we all have our perception of what a rape victim looks likes – I know television has given me a very vivid picture in my own head. Let me tell you, it is nothing like you would think it is… there is not a million people prepared to fight on your behalf for justice, nor is there a team of highly skilled people prepared to look after you and take you under your wing. In reality there is nothing… nothing but your own thoughts ticking through your brain hour by hour minute by minute driving you slowly insane. It feels like torture, it feels like you want to scratch your own skin off and jump out of your own body. It feels like you are in a long, dark, hot tunnel and you can’t breath and your struggling to find a way out.

Maybe people don’t see me as a rape victim because I cannot accept I am one – Although let me assure you that is what my reality is. Do I need to tick the rape victim box my whole life? To some people “real rape victims” would I even qualify as one? I didn’t get dragged into the bushes in some park in the dead of night in some totally random attack – no, perhaps if that had of happened I would still have the support of my so-called friends. No in fact my attack – if you can even call it an attack was someone I knew, someone I did think was “hot”, someone maybe once upon a time before marriage I may have actually hooked up with of my own accord, someone who I was becoming friends with. Does that make it any less degrading or shameful? Does that mean I am somehow to blame? – I am not sure but I can tell you it means every man, woman and their dog has an opinion, it also means that you have to face people affiliated with said person on a daily basis, it means you are plagued with a deep sense of uncertainty. Uncertain of your judgement, uncertain of exactly what drove this person to do this, uncertain of what people think of you, uncertain of what your own role to play in this was, and in my case uncertain of if he is even fully to blame?

Did he know I was drugged? Was it all a sick game? What if I ruin his life with these allegations if he genuinely didn’t know I was spiked? Can I blame him? – I mean I am flirty – but does flirty mean easy… NO, not at all. Actually the fact I am even asking this question makes me sick and discomforted. I mean does being flirty mean rape is ok just because he is a man, jeez poor bloke, how was he supposed to control himself when a half decent looking woman has a little flirt with him – he’s just a man, he can’t help it, I asked for it! Pfft, and they say women have rights, but you know the main reason that women’s rights are not as black and white as they seem? Other women! Women make excuses for these men, women label other women, and women are women’s worst nightmare! Some of my own friends have questioned me or worse still told me they can’t be friends with me anymore – ha, friends, aren’t they the people that should be there for you at times of need? I am actually not sure if my friends dis-loyalty is actually more upsetting than the crime it’s self… I mean what am I supposed to say? Sorry if my rape upsets you, how inconsiderate of me!

All we hear in the news from Footy clubs is another drugs bust, or boozy night out or a good old sex romp and yet when a woman dares to speak up she’s got to be the one to blame! “The boys” can’t do anything wrong! And yet another community busy sweeping things under the carpet in the hope to protect these precious blokes who can do no wrong… and why? Because they kick goals? Because they are “pillars of the community” – yeah right, pillars of the community that are in the words of another football player from another local team “they are all great blokes when there not on drugs”. Well I hope said community can sleep at night knowing they are allowing their children to look up and idolize these “athletes”

So what’s next for me? What do I want? When will I start seeing a small resemblance of the happy confident go-getter I once was? Will I ever trust anyone again? When will I get over the overriding sense of being judged?

I can’t answer any of those questions, but I know I need to start to put the whys, how’s and what ifs behind me. I need to concentrate on re-gaining me, on raising my child and appreciating the love of my husband.

Will I ever get over this? No, probably not, but every day is part of the healing process and I am hoping that with time it will get easier and make me stronger.