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Aug 05, 2015, 10:06 PM
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Member Since: Mar 2011
Location: USA
Posts: 770
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Trigger warning for self-harm and sexual violence. Wanting support and comfort.
My T and I’ve been dealing with some of my early trauma and feel like I’ve hit a brick wall, then a truck ran over me. I had finally disclosed
. I felt awful all week - teetering between wanting to go back and never wanting to see her again. I did go back and shared even more.
What made me saddest is I was finally able to correlate this with my disgusting cleanliness routine. For 20+ years, until my recent divorce, I did something so shameful that I couldn’t bring myself to tell my T directly. I thought she had gotten the meaning, but realized this week that she didn’t. When she asked me what I meant, I disassociated b/f I could say anything, but came back in less than 2 minutes (according to the clock I stare at every session). I waited until there were 4 minutes left and told her.
As a T with 30+ yrs experience, I expected her to be unflapped and compassionate. She was compassionate and concerned, wondering if I still did it and if I was using anything that could cause permanent damage. She asked if I was also using laxatives or enemas, in addition to purging, to cleanse myself. As I was saying no, I realized she misunderstood. As I was bolting for the door, I said, “it was never for cleansing. It was for safety, ... I live with the fear it will happen again" and fled. She called me back into the office to say she was so happy I told her and that I had to tell her more. EEK! Said it’s the only way I can really put this stuff behind me. I sense she’s right, but there are so many things I can’t bring myself to say.
Please tell me you’ve shared something this horrible and are glad you did.
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