I probably, myself wouldn't consider you a monster for a lapse in judgement. You're reaching out here, clearly remorseful and in anguish. And for how severely depressed this is leaving you, it's good to talk it out.
Sounds like depression brought you to consume such a large amount of alcohol. It's effect could still be lingering.
Are you a member of AA or similar? Do you have a sponsor, someone that may more than understand what needs to be addressed and how to guide you?
One step, at a time.