thank you both. you both make good points. it doesn't matter where i go or who my T would be i would have the same huge challenges communicating and the same phobia of needing anything and having to speak up. i would still dwell on the good for a while and be ok with things, and later dwell on the negative and get spooked and wonder if i should leave.
Chummy i agree with you on the SI and therapists not wanting to talk about it. even therapists who are great in so many ways, very likely have strong aversions to such a topic. i get that. it just makes me feel like its an aversion to ME.
i have written things down before to take in. sometimes it has been helpful. sometimes it gets read and never really dealt with. sometimes i take it but don't end up having the guts to hand it over. but i do think you're on to something that i should write this stuff down as IF i were trying to articulate it to my T and it will help me sort it out, even if i don't end up saying much.
thanks again to you both.