Quote:
Originally Posted by growlycat
I get this. I once told my longterm therapist that
My T has been concerned (horrified even?) and wanted me to stop, wanted to know how often I was causing myself harm. Thankfully the rougher aspects have subsided over the years.
I hope your T is understanding--sounds like she is? |
You too?!
That is something I've never even thought about disclosing. In fact I had completely blocked it from my mind. (thanks for reminding me
)
I played a game with myself ... how much can I stand w/o screaming. I didn't scream that time and like you, would try to toughen myself up and master the pain (tho at the time it was all subconscious). For me the word would be compulsion, not fetish, as I got no enjoyment out of what I did.
My T is terrific. She said that these things I (we) did [including splitting/disassociating/and the rituals we discussed above] were an amazing adaptation by our brain to keep ourselves alive and sane. She praised me for how ingenious I was. (I can't begin to accept that yet). She also assured me that I was not the only one who did things that were ultimately harmful/dangerous in the misguided belief that they were protective.
I still can't help but feeling like my story so far is too horrifying for her. When I started 4+ years ago, I couldn't tell her what was going on in my awful marriage, so I wrote more than 150 pages of text. We never discussed it per se, but she told me she was reading it and to keep it coming. Yesterday she told me that there were many pages she had to put down. They were too intense and she was too angry for me. She felt that her hands were tied. She wanted to have ex-H arrested, or call protective services for me, but knew that I'd only side with him, and disappear from therapy. (she was right) She instead kept working with me to help me realize that I didn't deserve to be treated that way. And that it wasn't inevitable that my partner would be abusive.
She finally snapped when he drugged and raped me. I remember that day...she lost her composure for the first time. She was furious and wanted to call the police (which was unrealistic after the fact since it happened 1500 miles from home and I had no evidence). That was the first time she told me that I needed to make an exit plan and leave him. She had never "told" me anything, so I took notice. I filed for divorce 7 months later.
I really really hope dredging all this up makes my future life better.
to all who relate. I'm very sorry for you too.