My opinion of my self in terms of functionality, is that as long as I'm on the right med(s) to eliminate symptoms, I am fully capable of living a normal life. I would actually feel really awkward and guilty applying for disability, because I don't think I really need it.

But some people in my life cop this attitude towards me like I'm already an officially disabled person and shouldn't even attempt to live life normally.

First it was my physician who told me during an appointment while I was still mixed, before starting Zyprexa, that she didn't see how I could possibly work. But I brushed that crap off because I was in a mixed state, that wasn't me on medication.

Now my mother, whose opinion is worth about as much as a piece of dental floss when it comes to my mental health, is heavily implying that I shouldn't try to work full-time, that it's not safe for me to drive because I quit driving in the past while without medication, because the panic attacks did make it dangerous for me to drive back then, years ago.

I think some people in my life are just being melodramatic negative nancies or are trying to sabotage me or something.

I will admit that I can't really function without medication, been trying that over and over for years now, and it has never gone well. It has always gone terribly, and last time I wound up homeless. But I'm giving medication a fair shot now, about a month into it so far and still determined.

But all this talk like I'm seriously disabled I feel like is increasing my chances of failure, because it's giving me "what if" anxiety. Like what if I try to drive again, and I can't, because I'm too groggy on meds or because of panic attacks coming back. What if I can't hold down a job. I've never held down a job legitimately before. My first one was 7 years long, but I only didn't get fired because I was dating the general manager's son for most of it. I didn't always show up, I didn't always shower or dress appropriately, and sometimes I didn't do hardly any work, especially when paranoid. Then I had two jobs after that, both only lasted a few months before I went crazy and lost them both.

But even while unmedicated and crazy, I was always seriously determined. So I couldn't drive, well I was a pedestrian in an area where it got below zero out and walked an hour to work. I got frost nip and damaged my feet, but I did it. Too scrambled in the mind to even figure out where to begin when it comes to credit, banking, loans, financial stuff of all kinds, well I found a room to sublet in a house, no credit or bank account required. I've always struggled to compensate for my issues and to survive. But was that stuff crazy? Was it crazy of me to walk an hour to/from work in -15* F weather, or was that proof that I didn't really need help.

I find the whole concept really confusing. I've been conditioned to never ask for help or else feel unbearably guilty as payment for it, and now I'm being treated like I'm severely disabled. Like I'm supposed to be severely disabled, but also not get help, and basically just live my life sitting on a couch all day everyday. Well that's not acceptable to me. Either I need to get proper assistance, or I can do this **** and people need to stop trying to scare me out of it.

How do normal outside observer people gauge when a person is capable? Is there anything objective that I can use for guidance?