I am so sorry that this is long but I have to get it out. Don't feel you have to read it, and if it's not appropriate, then feel free to delete it

*************TRIGGERISH**************** - since everyone's idea of a trigger differs, there's no icon, but please be careful. I don't know if half of the stuff I say could hurt someone else. Please keep that in mind.

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I had a very hard therapy session today. As in the kind that leaves you feeling broken and like your world has been changed irreversibly, and not necessarily for the better (I admit it, I hate change... doesnt make sense since I'm in therapy, but it's true)

It was supposed to be Wednesday, but I called on Friday and asked if I could move it up to Wednesday (I thought I needed it sooner, and have an exam on Wednesday). So I arrive at Health Services for my appointment, and the first thing basically he says is - "Is today Wednesday?". I told him that I was sorry that I was bothering him two days early, and that I knew other people must need to see him more. He told em that if other people needed to see him more, that they'd be sitting in my spot and not me. How does he validate me so quickly? Gah. Anyways, so I had to explain how my past week has gone.

I get to about Wednesday and my desire to play in traffic (I swear I'm not suicidal, I drink and think up stupid things) and all of the week how I wanted to drink and how I cried in public and he stops me.

I was trying to keep the session light and fluffy, and it wasn't.

I hate counselling. I hate him (T). I hate everyone who even can remotely "get" who I am. I have come to the conclusion that I manipulate people to get attention. In fact, I go out of my way to do stupid things because then I get attention. He asked me if I did that in my family, if I was actually able to talk to them. I told him that I only ever hear from my family when they want something from me or want to vent or because they are bored. I only wish I was kidding. I also have bottling issues. I have trust issues. I'm afraid that anyone I get close to is going to leave me. He actually understood that without me telling him. He asked me if I was afraid that he was going to "drag the rug out from underneath me and leave me." I had to be honest, I'm so afraid he's trying to screw me up and hurt me and then is just going to leave me like everyone else has that I've gotten close to because I try to push him away. I'm so upset because I'm apparently supposed to leave that little bit of pain in that damn room until next week (he asked me if it was alright that I leave that little bit of hurt I cried about in his office until I see him next week). And I hurt. So much. I feel like I've been torn into little tiny pieces. I HATE HIM for getting what my problem is. I hate him for understanding, like I hate anyone IRL who understands me and that I get close to and depend on and then they up and leave me or hurt me. Easier to try and upset people and push them away before they leave me. I hate me for getting close to anyone. I hate therapy. It hurts too much. Apparently some little part of me is the miserable part and I should be nice to 'her' but I dont want to be emotional so I squish her. He asked me questions directly to "Christina" and not really to me... which was weird because all I seemed to be able to do was be more mopey and miserable and just shrug a lot and make these noises like I was in severe physical pain. All of the answers he got were very very quiet. I'll admit that the entire session I felt like absolute crap with my anxiety and the pit in my stomach and just hating the feeling of all of these thoughts and emotions and what we were talking about. I spent most of the session hunched over clutching my stomach or staring at the floor or at the window behind him or with my eyes closed. Looking at him is so hard. His eyes are too kind and nice and I just can't deal with people being so unconditionally nice to me. He's going to leave me. Everyone else I'm close to is going to leave me and I cant deal with that.

At least he didn't try to call me back and stop me from attempting to dissociate. He's done that before and every time I feel bad because I really am trying to distance myself from the pain and from the situation and from being in the room with him. I guess he didn't ask if I was trying to dissociate because although I can't remember everything that happened, I'm left with this most awful lonely, broken and hurt feeling. Ouch.

He said that there are people who care about me. Grrr. He also said there was a beautiful woman inside who's just being protected by ... well, me I guess. I'm sorry I keep bothering people, and I'm sorry I keep trying to get people to respond to me, and I'm sorry I keep trying to manipulate the situation, and I'm sorry I try to get attention from people He actually told me that my default position was to be self-depreciating, isnt that nice *sarcasm*. He asked me to try very hard to stay with my emotions (I try to control my emotions and the situation by bottling and trying not to cry). He knows I have trouble expressing my emotions because I hate experiencing them. I see it as it only being acceptable to express the gray area of emotions and not the two extremes (anger and sadness). Something that was reinforced in my family. I was talking to myself during the session telling myself to 'shut up' and to just NOT do it (cry). Unfortunately I have a habit of saying that, so he knew I was trying to bottle and he asked me if I could change the message of 'not crying' to saying I was allowed to cry because I was in a safe place and there was only the two of us. I'll admit it, he does that every time and every time I become a wreck. He asked me where some of the things I say like "I'm worthless" or "I'm a burden" come from. I REFUSE to say it out loud. Its like asking who hurt me... it had to be dragged out of me. I don't hate my family for whats happened in my life. I hate me for not responding well to criticism and people trying to control me.

He actually thanked me for sharing and for crying. As long as he doesn't expect that on a regular basis ... although sadly enough I probably could cry every single time I talk to him because he does seem to "get it" a lot.

I told him that the previous no-harm contract I made with the other counsellor was null and void since I'm not seeing her right now, and he asked if I saw the fine print that said that it was transferable to him. I said nope, not going to happen. He didn't look happy about that. I told him that I felt crappy talking about all of this, and said I was going to drink tonight as a result. He asked me if instead of drinking, if I could journal. I so disliked him for that. I would rather be held accountable then giving me a wishywashy way to cope like that - considering the amount of posting I do here, and other sites.

He stayed with me an extra 25 minutes. He said that it was because he had a free hour after he saw me. I was so thankful (and pathetic looking because my eyes were dried out and puffy). He asked me if I was alright, if I felt I could leave. I always tell him that I'm fine. I'm sure he never believes me when I say that. "Fine" does, after all, mean freaked out, insecure, neurotic and emotional. I can't say I'm "fine" to anyone who really knows me because they all know better and then ask me how I "really" am. I'm surrounded by people who care and yet I'm miserable. I'm surrounded by people who care and yet I don't believe any of the positive stuff they say about me. I try to get them to leave me, and all it seems to accomplish is they get closer and closer. Doesn't work out so well...

Basically therapy was productive and I feel like I'm broken and alone and without any more defenses and now I'm more worried than ever that he's going to leave me and I just cant deal with it. I'm absolutely terrified. I dont want to get close to anyone else. He told me that he wants me to at least phone the trauma centre he recommended to find out about their therapists to deal with my past 'issue'. He asked me if he really had to have an agreement with me to at least phone them and get some info. I guess I'll phone them. Even though the idea scares me, because trusting another person with the crap from my past hurts so much. I can't deal with feelings anymore though.

Just before I left, I went to make another appointment. He asked me if I wanted to see him next week, or in two weeks. Of course I start rationalizing it as "other people need therapy and help more than me, and I know I'm annoying and hard to deal with". SO then he asks me what I felt emotionally when he asked the question, not what I thought. I said that I really wanted to come back next week, but I'd understand it if someone else needed to see him more. He told me that I was important enough to spend time with. I felt so ... good ... to hear that. So I see him next Monday.

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I've realized that when writing this up, I used the word "hate" a lot as my feelings towards him and therapy in general. I wish I could change that, because I hate being mad. Does that mean I've got to tell him that I can't stand half the things he said to me today? Should I share my views of what happened today? I don't even know.