Today I'm just tired and pissed. The depression that hit me after our session has not ended, but has only gotten worse. I'm certain that nothing matters, at all, anywhere. The drinks tonight helped dull the frustration. They also reinforced my belief that nothing matters. I kept pounding them back until nothing at all seemed to be important. Now I'm depressed precisely because nothing at all seems to be important.

Not me, not you, not any of this. Not my feelings for you, not anything I'm trying to accomplish in therapy. I live all day and all night with the emptiness. I go to work with it and try to lose myself in distractions. I come home with it and try to drown myself in meaningless bull####. None of it makes any difference. My career is on an uptick and that doesn't make any difference. I've fought and won financial battles and those don't make any difference. I watch things that aren't real, committed to film by people who have been dead for years. They don't matter. I don't matter. Not a single ****ing thing matters, not to me. You matter and everyone around me matters because you're all supposed to exist in this world and I am not. You will find what you've been looking for and I will not. Sooner or later it will be impossible for me to see you again. I won't be able to bear it. I will be worse off than I ever was. We will smile at each other and put on our false faces but mine will not be sustainable anymore. It is a dead certainty.