How do you make sense of life when, in fact, life has failed you in each and every aspect of the sense? From being molested twice as a child by three different other kids. Too being forced sexually (twice later as an adult) to do something in which you do not wish to do once you are already in the act. As well as being hit by a moving vehicle when I was seven years old, and run down by yet another vehicle in my early 20's

Trying hard to live each and every day with a positive attitude despite the fact you do your best not to go home after work every single day, put the barrel of a gun in your mouth and pull the trigger. Or, stand in front of on coming-moving traffic.

No matter how hard you try, or how hard you attempt to stay as positive as you can, there is always someone, or something around the next corner waiting to slam you with yet another fist to the face

I'm at work, and I just have to share with happened between me and a coworker just now. They walked up and asked if I still had food and if they could talk me out of some. Sure, it's right there in front of ya, I said. Can I have some, they asked. No, I just told you its right there so you can just stand there and drool over it. In shock they were like, damn Clay. Way to keep a positive attitude.

Upon which they go on to say, I’m trying to do the best I can in life to stay as positive and do the best I can do in life. Hope it works out for ya, I said. Damn Clay, really? Upon which, I walk over and tell them in their ear.

Despite the fact I am forced to work a job I longer wish to be in, and the fact, I have to turn on that microphone and sound as happy-go-lucky as possible even though that is so far from the truth? I'm on the verge of going home tonight, putting the barrel of a gun in my mouth and pulling the trigger. T hats my positivity in life right now.

Of course they go through all the pleasantries, oh if you ever need someone to talk too, I'm here for you. And, life ain't that bad. I walked back over and in their ear I say, You don't know my life, nor do you know me, so don't pretend you understand what I’m going through right now and walked away.

Three days ago, I had an appointment with a local center for those suffering with mental illnesses and such, yet upon showing up for my appointment, the person that was supposed to see me that day (for whatever reason) couldn't see me that day. 3 days later I finally get a call back and told they are no longer accepting assigned scheduled assessments.

They are, at this time, doing whats known as Open assessments. Where I have to show up each day and stand around with a bunch of strangers. Due to it being first come, first server, hope that I get seen that day. I've since opted out of that option. As I've had a bad experience with a different company in the same building years ago.

Not to mention I have a hard time walking past my front door at times, even going to the local grocery store to get much needed food and supplies. Right now, I think I have a bag of carrots, a mango, and some lettuce in my fridge. There is, of course, rice and beans in the cupboards. But still, I have very little in my home to eat.

So, showing up and some new business in town, standing around with a bunch of strangers is simply out of my ability in which I can do at this time. I was handed the paper work for this place back in January of this year. It took months to get it all filled out, and it took a lot of courage to bring myself to walk in the front door of this place to seek out help.

Upon which I was told, it will be another 2 months I will have to wait to be seen. Well, I waited my two months, and still wasn't seen when I showed up. Never mind the fact that years ago i walked in this building (under a different company) I was basically told by the person doing my Intake that day, They didn't think anything was wrong with me.

And then had the audacity to ask if i wanted to file for disability. I wouldn't think they would approve me for disability, do you, i asked? No, I don't, he replies. Doesn't hurt to try however, he continued. Needless to say, I didn't go back for another session after that

Although I understand this new company is only doing their best to help those in need, when, most people aren't showing up for their scheduled appointments. Yet, I don't get why I must suffer and jump through hoops for the help, when in fact, I did what others aren't doing. Showing up for their scheduled appointment.

I walked into my bosses office today to share what has transpired in the last 24 hours, upon which he tells me, that is life and the problems that arise in life. You just have to deal with those hard to deal with problems is all. While what he had to say made perfect sense. I couldn't help but thinking to myself right then, ya and that’s why some people in my situation cant handle it and commit suicide.

Which I have attempted many times in my life thus far.

I really don't know where I'm going with all this. I'm just trying to stay as strong as I can, yet continuing to deal with the fact I have absolutely no support system. Each time I get to this point of feeling like giving up and just ending it all. There is no one I can turn to too talk with.

I have to attempt to struggle through the overwhelming emotions. All the while, coworkers and random people say things like. There goes clay again, being soooo mellow dramatic. Or, there he goes again complaining. Get over it, grow a pair and man up.

I've even had the pleasure of being in the same vehicle with a group of older men, as I was driving cab then. All laugh and go on about how messed yup bipolar people are. One said, all bipolar people should be round up, put on their own deserted island far from normal people and nuked off the face of the planet. Just gotta love how some people can be, right?

:-( (-: