You asked why I think he is not right for you. I consider him to be unloving and inconsiderate, and I consider his goals to be too different from yours, and I consider that the relationship with him is unhealthy for you, in my opinion he is damaging your health and perspective on life.
Below I comment on what you said and why it makes me feel the way you do.
Quote:
|
I know I haven't been on here in awhile. I've been dealing with a major issue in my life over the past several months, and the best way I know how to deal with it is to ask for advice here. So please, bear with me.
|
I'm glad you came here again. Isolating from sources of support is something that often happens in an unhealthy relationship.
Quote:
|
I do admit, though, part of me has always been bothered by the fact that he doesn't like to go out for fun. My ex and I did this on a constant basis and I loved it. Our best memories are of going out to different places. This has been a big reason for the problems in my relationship.
|
You are completely different about socializing, and he seems unable/unwilling to meet you anywhere near halfway. He didn't even go to a family wedding with you.
Quote:
|
Understandably, what bothers him more than anything else is when people lie to him. Within a couple weeks of us becoming a couple, he began to point out little seemingly insignificant things that I'd said that contradicted something I'd said earlier. I'd never had this problem in a relationship before, so I didn't even notice when this happened. It's like it was second nature for me to "lie" like I did. I didn't understand why I would intentionally hurt him by lying to him. It was things like if I'd said I liked a particular band after previously saying I disliked them. Things that didn't even cross my mind and yet seemed to upset him so easily.
|
These are not "lies". A lie is when a person speaks with the intent to deceive.
You never "had this problem" in a relationship before, I expect, because you have not had a boyfriend who traps you likes this and then holds it against you and thereby brings you down and leads you to question yourself.
Quote:
|
I began to become afraid of my boyfriend, and at the same time I didn't want to leave him. I guess maybe I wasn't afraid of him so much as afraid that he'd catch me in another "lie".
|
Being afraid of someone shows that the person is not right or healthy for you.
Quote:
|
One issue that has remained a constant for me throughout our relationship is the fact that we disagree over what we both want for the future. I'm 21 now and I want to go to college (which I'm starting next month), get married and have children. Especially that last one. I feel that if I do not become a mother within my lifetime that I'll be missing out on a major part of life. A future without a child seems incredibly empty. He on the other hand does not want kids at all, and doesn't sound like he wants to get married either. He's 28 and feels that age 30 is the cutoff for having kids; that if he doesn't become a father by that age, he'll be too old and definitely won't want it then.
|
He is just flatly against what is central for you and evidently is not willing to explore if there is any room for compromise, sharing, honestly and open-mindedly taking in your perspective, seeing the merits of it, and considering ways that he could possibly make you happy.
Quote:
|
He had a rough, poverty-stricken childhood and does not want his children to suffer the same way he did.
|
They don't necessarily have to. Was he abused as a child?
Quote:
|
He believes people in general are a menace to the earth and doesn't want to be responsible for making it worse. Every time this topic would come up in conversation, he'd end it with "...but it doesn't matter because we aren't having kids." I can't describe how this feels.
|
He makes you feel indescribably awful when he flatly contradicts your entire life goals. This clearly is a sign that he is not right for you: He makes you feel indescribably awful.
Quote:
|
I know I'm only 21 but I know the next few years are crucial. I feel heartbroken every time I hear him say this.
|
He breaks your heart. Regularly, routinely.
Quote:
|
I guess the constant fighting about my lying behavior combined with the fact that we disagree on our future has made it very difficult for us to form a legitimate emotional connection.
|
Well I object to the term
my lying behavior. I would call it
my well-founded fear of him and his reactions
You have been with him for a good length of time and you don't have an emotional connection with him.
Quote:
|
I had this type of connection with my ex, at least more so than I do now.
|
Yes!
You are quite capable of being connected, of loving and being loved.
Just not with your current, unhealthy-for-you boyfriend.
Quote:
|
I resolved to see where things went with my boyfriend. I knew that I loved him, despite our problems and uncertain future.
|
What do you love about your boyfriend?
Quote:
|
Immediately upon leaving the restaurant that day I felt extremely guilty, both that I'd cheated on my boyfriend (yes he considered this cheating) and that I'd led my ex to believe that there was a possibility of us getting back together.
|
I don't consider this to be cheating, and you did not lie about your ex because in fact there is a possibility that you could get back together, the possibility is on your mind. You are a free person when not in fear of your boyfriend.
Quote:
|
A few days later, I revealed to my boyfriend what I'd done. He didn't yell or tell me to leave his house, but he was understandably hurt and angry. He asked me at that time to reveal any other lies I'd kept hidden from him. If I did I don't remember what they were. We tried our best to move on.
|
You boyfriend just assumed that there are other lies. He evidently sees you as a liar who needs to be monitored and punished like a child. And he does punish you and create fear in you. This is another reason he is not right for you.
Quote:
|
About a month later, in late May, my ex emailed me out of the blue and we began a conversation. We talked for about a week, and then one morning I woke up to my boyfriend throwing my phone down on the bed next to me and storming out of the room. He'd bumped my phone and seen that I'd had an unread email from my ex. We started talking about it, he told me he wanted me to leave his house, but he let me stay after I begged him to give me another chance. I hate myself to this day for hurting him so much...
|
I wonder if he "bumped" the phone...or checked it. In any event, a person who does not trust you and considers you to be a liar, and drives you to hide the tiniest detail from him, is not right for you.
Quote:
|
Over the next few weeks things got better and worse, time and again. We'd go a few days without any major events and then he'd catch me in another "lie" and we'd fight.
|
This is typical of an abuser. Are you familiar with the cycle of abuse?
I see that you put
lie in quotation marks, indicating that you yourself know that they are not actually lies.
Quote:
|
The entire time I'd been dreading an upcoming event I knew I'd be attending without him - my cousin's wedding on June 20th. I knew how much my boyfriend hated social functions so I went alone.
|
He couldn't even come to a family wedding? He doesn't want to hang out with you, dance with you, let you show him to your family? All indications that he is not right for you.
What does he dislike so much about social events?
Quote:
|
While there I did the worst thing I've ever done to him and ever could do, short of sleeping with another man.
|
Really? Dancing as you did with your partnered groomsman at a wedding is a horrible crime?
Quote:
|
I was a bridesmaid in this wedding and was paired up with a groomsmen I felt attracted to. During the reception I noticed he kept looking over at me and I looked over at him from time to time as well. My parents told me I'd been too stressed out over the state of my relationship lately and that it wouldn't hurt to have a little fun.
|
Those who love you can see that the relationship is not working. What if you ask your parents what they think of the situation now?
Quote:
|
I worked up the nerve to ask this guy to dance. Nothing happened besides talking to him. We danced a couple dances and then went to the bar and chatted for a minute.
|
This is not a horrible crime. You were supposed to not dance or have fun
when alone at a family wedding?
Quote:
|
After awhile, I began to realize the reality of the situation and the insurmountable guilt, so I left the reception and headed home. Once home, my boyfriend asked if anything interesting had happened at the wedding, I told him I danced once with a groomsmen and that was it.
|
He cross examines you as soon as you walk in the door.
Quote:
|
I lied knowingly because I was terrified of his response.
|
You are terrified of making a mistake with him.
Quote:
|
Awhile later he came to bed and asked if I was sure that nothing else had happened.
|
He cross examines you further.
Quote:
|
I said that I danced more than once with the groomsmen, and immediately my boyfriend became very angry and left the bedroom to go sleep on the couch.
|
You were right to be fearful of his response.
Quote:
|
The next morning we fought about the details I had and hadn't revealed to him about the wedding. I told him that I knew I had a lying problem and wanted help for it, as it honestly did feel out of my control.
|
I don't think that there is a lying problem. I think there is an unhealthy, abusive boyfriend problem.
Quote:
|
In the following days and weeks, little insignificant details from the wedding would come into my memory that I'd been too upset to remember immediately afterward. Like how I'd asked him to dance, rather than vice-versa, or how I'd jokingly told my cousin she should have hooked me up with him.
|
These are not crimes!
Quote:
|
The whole thing...the entire wedding, the lies, the deception...it all makes me hate myself more than I ever thought possible.
|
This relationship makes you hate yourself.
Quote:
|
I've got such a constant, overwhelming fear that I'm going to think of yet another detail about the wedding that I haven't yet told my boyfriend and then feel literally sick with guilt over it for days until I finally break down and tell him. I feel on edge all the time. We fight nearly every day.
|
This is not a healthy relationship for you.
Quote:
|
And the worst part is, in the midst of it all, I still find myself thinking of my ex. After we last spoke, at the request of my boyfriend, I asked him to please not contact me anymore.
|
He is overly controlling, another sign that he is not right or even healthy for you.
Quote:
|
I wish I could talk to him...just to tell him this whole story and know that he isn't going to get angry at me or judge me about it. I find myself wondering what his life is like now, and hoping that someday I will get to talk to him again.
|
He treats you properly in that sense: he doesn't get angry or judge you, like your boyfriend does. Another sign that your boyfriend is not right for you. You know what is like to be treated properly and you want that and miss that. Makes sense to me.
Quote:
|
I'm just so confused...more than I have ever been. Since moving in with my boyfriend I've fallen into a deep depression. I've gained weight, can barely get myself to do anything. I've fallen behind on housework and I cry almost every time I go home to visit my parents. I hate them seeing me unhappy.
|
These are all signs that the relationship is not right for you. You've never been like this before.
Quote:
|
I'm just so confused...more than I have ever been.
|
I am wondering what is making you feel confused. Again: What do you like/love about your current boyfriend?
Quote:
|
This guilt from the wedding and the little details I keep remembering from it have taken over my life. I just. Need. Help...and yet it's so impossibly hard for me to leave.
|
It isn't the wedding or what you did there that is the problem. It is how your boyfriend reacts to the wedding, and how he treats you on a regular basis.
It is often hard for someone who is in such an unhealthy relationship to see the truth and to leave. There is a great fear of the unknown, the fear that you will be alone, as you said. Abusers cultivate and prey on this.
I suggest that if you cannot leave that you speak to someone at a women's resource center for help in working up the courage and putting together a plan. My suggestion and hope is that you leave this guy, work on healing and reconnecting with yourself, and get back to working on your plans for your life: college, career, loving, healthy relationship, children. Reconnect with your parents and explore things with your ex (who may or may not be right for you, but I know that you can figure it out). You can do all of this.