I was just diagnosed last week with Bipolar I disorder and generalized anxiety. I am 40 years old and have been struggling greatly with severe depression and anxiety for a couple of months. It wasn't too bad at first but the past month has been really hard so I went to a Pdoc. After we talked, he said I am bipolar. I was both relieved and devastated at the same time and also a little bit in denial. I told him I haven't been manic since I was younger because I was a little overwhelmed at the time but now thinking about it I realize that isn't true. I've luckily never been hospitalized or experienced psychosis, however I wanted to check into a hospital a couple of weeks ago so I didn't have to deal with life anymore because the other alternative would be permanent. My sister, two uncles and my 20 year old son also have bipolar disorder.

I guess I felt relief because I always wondered how I could make incredibly impulsive and sometimes destructive decisions in my life. I went through a period in my late teens/twenties where I was married 3 times (married to my 4th husband now) had 3 children, and cheated on my first two husbands. I've carried the guilt of hurting other people and not knowing why I did those things for almost 20 years. I'm still reluctant to say I did it because I was sick because I feel like I'm making excuses for my bad behavior. I haven't been promiscuous like that since I was younger but I still feel bad about it. I have spent money like crazy and money I don't have. I've made bad choices regarding education and jobs (I'm actually in school at the moment and I think that is what triggered this depressive episode).

I felt devastated because I've seen how hard life is for people who freely admit they are bipolar and also watched my sister go for several years unmedicated-she struggles and loses touch with reality at times. I'm also afraid I'll never feel better or normal-not that I'm sure what that is for me anymore. I also feel ashamed-not sure why. I know my husband is having a hard time with this but we've been together for 10 years so we'll work it out.

The pdoc put me on lamictal and Seroquel (to help me sleep ) and plans on adding Effexor after I am stabilized.

I think I'm still processing all of this information right now and my head is just full of emotions and questions. I've been reading this forum and wanted to tell you all that reading your posts has helped me so thank you.