I haven't cooked a proper dinner since my husband died. At first I was in too much shock to cook anything. But then I just couldn't face cooking. It made me so upset to know that I could only cook for one instead of two. My son doesn't eat anything I cook so I would be cooking just for myself and it was just too final...like admitting that my husband is gone for real and I'm now a single mom...it was so hard. But finally last night in the interest of health (I've been subsisting on easy things like cheese sandwiches and processed frozen meals), I decided to cook a meal for two, and save the extra portion for lunch this weekend. It was hard for me to go to the grocery store and pick up salmon knowing my husband wouldn't be able to enjoy it with me, but I did. And I took the opportunity to make a side dish he never liked but I love (couscous) since he's not here to complain about it lol. And it was good!

I'm so proud of myself that I tackled that particular block I have. My goal is to start slow and make one full meal a week for myself. Then I can start adding in more meals. And hopefully it will become less difficult as time moves on. Yesterday I was able to smile at some memories brought on by a song instead of crying. That's an improvement.

I've had a bad couple of weeks. Depressed and angry. It's like it's finally sinking in that he's gone and will not come back. I keep having happy dreams about him, as if he's still alive, and then I wake up and it's not true and I cry. But I'm letting myself feel the pain. I haven't harmed myself since right after he died. And I won't - I truly don't want to anymore. I got annoyed the other day at my down mood, thinking I'll never be happy again. But I will be. Bipolar is still at bay for now. Any depression is directly related to my situation. No mania, no psychosis. Almost makes me believe I was making the whole thing up. but more likely the meds and ect worked together to bring about a remission. And I'm so glad for that because I couldn't deal with that on top of my grief.

Life goes on. I'm finding joy in little things and savoring the happy moments. And even though it feels like a huge part of me has died along with my husband, I think and hope that that emptiness will get softer and softer as the days tick by.

Thanks for listening to me as always.