When you called me this morning I got the awful feeling I used to get as a kid when I was getting in trouble even if I was not guilty of anything. I could feel my face turning flush and I felt my heart drop. When I was younger I felt like I was never trusted. Like no one believed anything I said. So I began to take on the role of the guilty person, no matter what I did or didn't do. I think this is another reason why being honest with you and your trust in me has been so important to me because it feels good to be trusted.

I was surprised that your "alarm went off this morning" because I didn't think I was doing anything alarming. I suppose it was what I wasn't doing but still being alarmed by it seemed over the top. I guess I should be happy that you give a ****. I'm wondering if what I said about not seeing any reason to stick around if you left was the alarming part, especially since I feel it in my gut that you are preparing for this. I don't always feel in my gut that you are leaving but I have been lately. I know you more than you think.

If I could, I would beg you not to go. You really aren't that old. 65 is young these days and you're totally fit. I think that leaving NCH is an ok option, but leaving therapy??? What will you do? You don't seem to like to travel. You like to work in your yard. I know you love your kids so you could spend some more with them. Maybe you are considering moving. Maybe you have a girlfriend now and she wants to go or move.

I can't make you stay and I can't make you include me in your life. I'm crying now. Of course. As you say, "I have a tendency to cry." I think maybe it's time that I start mourning the loss of you. I can feel it. I hope I'm wrong but I don't think I am. I wish I could read this to you but I suspect it would be upsetting or disappointing to you. I'm going to open that book in a bit and see if that helps me.

In a totally unrelated topic... I was thinking was that one of the reasons I don't like hugs is because I feel vulnerable when I'm being hugged. I try to appear hard or tough and if I let people hug me I have to drop that defense. I don't know if that makes sense.