Hey guys, it's been some time since I was here, I had exams-session, it was nightmare experience-wise, although I somehow managed to get average grades. This was the first time my therapist actually asked me if I have any thoughts and/or intentions to harm myself.

At the last exam date 3.8 I had a Vipassana course which I had registered to like 3-4 months ago (as far as I remember). I didn't go to exam eventually, did go to Vipassana although my therapist kinda advised me otherwise, she basically said it is not the right time for me to go on something as intense as Vipassana.

I only managed through 4 days in the retreat and cracked. I actually broke on the 3rd but said I'll try another day.. Because I've been waiting for this experience for 2 years and finally I got it, I can't just give up on it.

But I couldn't handle it anymore, everything floated back into my consciousness. All memories, all repressed stuff, nightmares, and the feelings and emotions and sensations just grew unbearable.
I had headache and couldn't eat in the 4th day.

I'm so sad I couldn't manage through these hard moments.
I'm happy I did let myself go and not let my condition manage my life, my dreams.

I'm a little bit better than I was in the exam session, but at times I feel this black hole sucking me in, emptying me from every feeling n thought.
One moment I feel like 'Okay I'm going to practice the meditation technique at home, everything's gonna be great'
Then in the evening I'd feel defeated and suicidal.

JustARant I guess.