I'm terribly sorry if my post sounded like a lecture. I did not intend that at all, I meant to explain to you that I think I understand your situation better than you think I might. Actually, I was not financially dependent upon my mother after age 18, BUT I have always been financially dependent upon my husband (for 34 years). The best I could ever manage was part-time, low-paying work. I did raise our wonderful children (I broke a lot of cycles there!), but they've been out of the home for 8 years and my husband still (mostly) supports me financially.

From what you've posted it sure sounds like your mom has hooked you into a situation in which she has most of the power. She likes you to believe you're unworthy, thus all the more dependent upon her.

You posted: 'I think more than anything it makes me resent how strong I am. I've always been proud of how strong I am. I've always been a crazy loser, but I've always been stronger than anyone I know. I've survived harsh winters as a pedestrian, I've survived homelessness in a rough city, I've survived being abused for years of my life, and I survived it all in silence without getting help, because that is how I was conditioned to be. And lately I don't see it as strength anymore. I don't see myself as strong anymore. I see myself as a fool who sacrificed myself for someone who has never even truly loved me, just sees me as a possession. I always thought it would pay off somehow. I would keep all of her nasty secrets, bear the abuse, play the role of her therapist, let her parentify me. I would be the strong one, and someday when I finally broke, she would help me. '

Oh my friend, you are not alone! There are so many like us. My mom conditioned me to be strong, too, because that worked really well for HER- and that's why I've had so many people in my life who turn to me, use me, and act like I have no right to have needs. I'm ALWAYS the strong one...and quietly falling apart inside, swallowing a bunch of pills so I can KEEP BEING STRONG.......

Or am I a fool?

So no, I'm not trying to lecture you...if anything, I give you credit...life is so hard! And you made it this far!

I'm just trying to understand and offer experience, and doing so online is tricky. I don't know how old you are - you could be 25, you could be 55 - I thought you were man, but you referred to yourself as 'herself'. I'm truly trying to be helpful, because I truly DO spot a lot in your posts that I believe I can empathize with in various ways.

I don't think your mom will ever change this convenient situation. No, I don't think she will finally help you as long as she's alive.

Have you ever discussed any of these issues with her directly? Also, have you seen a therapist?