I know, I've definitely been depressed and I keep thinking that I'm better. But, I keep having these suicidal feelings that manifest as thoughts of really hurting myself. I think it's more about self hate, then it is about not wanting to exist. I brush it off, because the self harming thoughts come and go. But, when they keep coming back, I can't ignore it no matter how much I laugh and smile.

That tricked me. The fact I smile and joke. But, then I still want to die. I realized it when I watched this video about helping someone who is suicidal and it said, "do they talk about hurting themselves or worse... wanting to die?" I immediately thought, "Is it that weird to want to die?" Then everything in my life started to make sense. I'm not just an eccentric introverted shut in. I'm unhealthy.

I don't know if anyone cares to read this. But, I figured it would be good to tell and maybe talk about what I went through. I never really did. With out restrained. Don't worry I won't bore you with the details.

I'm very introverted. INTP, if that means anything to you. Introverted dad, introverted mother. Dedicated Christians. A Jehovah's Witness. I was, for 20 years. It wasn't my parents religion to me. It was my world and despite being relatively anti social I had a group of people I saw every week. But, when I graduated from high school and had to actually think about my future. When I really began to study the bible in the context of all religions, I stopped believing and my world fell apart. That was the worst mental place I've ever been.

I think one of the things that hurts me the most is how much I hate myself for the position I'm in socially. I was naturally introverted and as a Jehovah's Witness was admonished to stay away from "worldly people" or people who weren't Jehovah's Witnesses, and I hate how many friends, I rejected. People who actually understood me. Now, I don't have the few spiritual friends I grew up with. I have no one.

I keep telling myself I have my family. I have my mother. I have my father. I have a little sister. But, they don't need me. I'm 22 years old and they're already a "functioning" family. I feel pathetic. If anything they could use my money and they do use what little I make working 2 nights a week at Kohls. And I don't think I can explain this to them, but if I work more than two days I get painful suicidal feelings. But, they've got enough to worry about. I feel like a burden already.

I know if I could just find some form of love or stimulation. Not only in the form of a person. But in the form of a place or places. Something to tell me on a deeper level that there's something to fight for. It's just that for my entire life I've been in this bubble were God was the only true reason. I survived that spiritual crash. But, I'm still in that bubble and it's very hard to get out of. I don't know were to go.

I try to think of getting a job I like and I feeling I total pathetic loser for even saying this, but I can barely get myself to get up and go to the one I have now. It's that fight. I don't have any reason to get up and do anything. I remember I was fearless when I did. I went to Community college for the same reason. But, I couldn't endure college for the sake of enduring college.

I don't know. That's were I'm at. lol, figured I start taking pictures to get outside the house. I'm an artist, I paint, but it only isolates me more.