I have had this problem as well. I can get there on my own, but when it comes to my husband doing things it just does not work. Then I went a week without masturbating and when I felt ready, my husband helped me while I did things myself and we took it really slow. I felt like the pressure to succeed wasn't there and I could just enjoy myself. But I got there. For the first time in like a year with his help. Sometimes you just have to take it slow and not get so worked up about it all. Slow and steady wins the race.

Sounds almost exactly like my issue. You might have an unconscious push to have an orgasm "the right way" (the way your ex shamed you for) so now you tense up without even knowing why. If you do it yourself though, you know it's okay so you can have an orgasm that way.

If you work with your partner in the way that krisakira was describing, it can help lessen that anxiety so you can work thought it.

I feel for you all. We all know first hand how disappointing anorgasmia can be. I've mentionned it before on the forum about having to learn to have sex without the expectation of an orgasm. This even stretches so far as to accepting that masturbation need not end with an orgasm, and masturbation was always my fallback.

I know it is hard to understand and implement the concept. Believe me, when my GP and T both told me that I should learn to have intimate encounters without an expectation of an orgasm, I was shocked and confused. I mean what's the point of sex without ending with the pleasurable "bang".

I found that I had to be honest with both myself and my wife. If I felt I was going to have problems at all, I just had to stop trying (wearing myself out and getting frustrated). This meant that sometimes in the "middle" of penetrative vaginal intercourse, I would just pull out and stop. We could/would cuddle, caress, etc. but no more sex. It would allow me to maintain a relatively high positive emotion, meaning I could feel satisfied that I had satisfied her. That CAN be enough.

The other way was/is not useful...emotionally. It is devastating to keep on with penetration, trying harder and harder, eventually physically exhausted, out of breath, and disappointed. Or masturbating...then ejaculating...without an orgasm, I mean how hollow do you think that feels. My penis, prostate and scrotum all did their jobs, but I didn't feel anything...no pleasure.

What I'm trying to say is that it will take some effort...and it won't always be successful. But emotionally it will become much easier, and therefore easier to deal with physically. Although it may not apply equally to women, for men I would challenge you to satisfy your wife...first and only. Personally I can do this thanks to the little blue pill. Once the lovely lady is satisfied, cuddle a bit and then go to sleep. Don't even try to have an orgasm...don't play with it.

If you can learn to stop intercourse while on an emotional high...even without achieving a physical/sexual high, you will eventually be able to accept that as a viable and pleasurable outcome. Meaning that when you do try to orgasm, and it doesn't work, you can still have positive feelings about the intimate activities you participated in.

I hope this helps someone.

I used to feel that way too, and always felt pressured to orgasm so as not to make the guy feel bad. Or at least pressured to finish quickly. Maybe if you feel comfortable, you could try talking to him about it. If he knows it might take you longer to orgasm, maybe you'll be put at ease knowing that he isn't expecting it to happen within a couple minutes. Somehow I was able to get my thoughts off of the performance anxiety, and was finally able to orgasm with a guy even though I never have before. So it is possible!