Hi guys, first post. Im 28 female.

Growing up i always thought it was normal not to remember massive chunks of life. Mum and dad had 5 kids. We all the same cant remember most life. Same as mum. Ok so recently i realised that this wasnt normal as a friend of mine could remember as far back as kinder!! Even the houses she lived in she could remember. They mived several times yet she knew all of them etc. me, i dont remember the inside of nearly every house except one where i have a layout of house etc. dad was extremely violent, mean nasty person. We were homeschooled at home rarely seen others except at church. No radio tele etc. dad truckdrived so he was gone a bit back a bit etc. my 2 younger sisters have memories of sexual abuse from dad which just came out a cpl years ago. Mum acted shocked crying etc but then it hit me of this memory of telling her and she had said dont be silly and had gotton upset. When i adked ger aboyt this she had no recollection. Dad was weird like we had to go to his hoise every second weekend and i vaguely remembering trying to get out of the car. Anyway the window winder was removed and because he had a 2 door car (5 seater) he used to always have the child lock button on oassenger door. There was no way of getting out of car except through his door. And every car thereafter. I remember as about 4-6 i used to go out in backyard and sit at this little gate and eat dirt all the time. Also my own hair. Ehen i brought this up to my mother a cpl years ago how odd that was she brushed it off and said oh all kids do that. Another thing i found out wasnt to be so true. I can clearly remember everything of outside houses plants trees roads etc but very vague inside. I did a lil quiz on my family members the other day thru texts. I asked my 4 siblings a few questions to compare answers. What colour was our pet cat Simba? Answers: orange, grey, grey with white stripes, tabby etc. what happened to simba where did it go? Answers: eaten by a fox, run over by car, ran away, etc. i then proceded to ask who of us sgared a room in each diff house, again all different answers. I asked about pictures on walls or the furniture no one remember except for the dining table as mum still has this. I asked what cars we had growing up while mum and dad were still together (not dads cars sfter) answers: yellow car, van, red ute so on. After looking at my page this had me so worried that all grown adults had no idea of anything or at least different opinions etc. how could we completely not remember one meal in a house we lived in for 6 years. A birthday party, a present, anything. Also in this house we also started school in and went to private christian school. After being home schooled till grade 2 u think i would be excited and remember my teacher - no idea of my teachers from 2-8. Vague memories of faces of different kids etc but no memories. Anyway im a creative person. Im a good drawer and iften sketch. In my sketch books there appeared a childlike drawing of rainbows etc that i clearly wouldnt draw unless i was much much younger. Then appeared another one.it confused me and i thought a child or one of my nieces had drawn in there but then i stumbled across writing in the book of childrens writing of a paragraph. However galf way through paragraph it turns into my adult writing! How i write now! But i have no recollection having wrote it. Thats how i stumbked across dissociative disrder. When my 2 younger sisters come forward with sexyal abuse a cpl years ago we all seemed to go off the rails in own ways, drugs, alcohol, eating disorders, bulimia etc. but now have all gained control back. However after sending these texts out i noticed my sister eho had bulimia sent me 7 texts in a matter of minutes about 7 different foods she was eating and i hadset her off. I backed off with all of them. Any time i question anything we all trance off. Ive bever been able to listen to conversations and seem extremely rude like not listening. However i received a+ in all school work after going back thru all my reports!! So strange. Clearly i was good at school but have hardly memory of it. Also when lining up at a nightclub to go out one night a girl approached me telling me we were good friends in orimary school yet i had no memory. So bizarre. Also obe time i was drivi g my daughter to drop her at childcare and i had no idea where i was going. Pulled iver on side if riad had to go home. I have memories of the inside of dads horrible old dark yucky house that he had after mum keft him. Mum never saw that place. It had olden day keys old farm hoyse in middle of nowhere. I remember really strange things about that house. Like dad would leave me and my brother there while he was away in truck etc and we were not to open doors if anyone came. Like there was always banging when dad not there. He used to say it was dopey the guy he rented farmhouse off chasing rent. So i have memories of hiding under a single bed when id hear the banging so so frightened. Intense fears etc. even times alone there at 8 or so when my brother and dad had gone to shop. Our driveway was 6ks long dirt track etc yet as soon as they were gone there was banging again . After that dad nailed the olden day windows that u slide up. He put two big nails in the windows at too so they coukd only be lifted an inch. That was normal to us but looking back its weird. And i gave memories of being in dads bed. Dont know why when sureky i must have had a bed. And there was this old switch behind the bed that made a loud click. I can see and hear the cliiiiick and then darkness. So in saying so im quite sure that dad also sexually abused the rest of us and not just the two that have clear memories of a few times.anyway im sick if it i just want to know, to heal and move forward. I wint date or make friends im secluded and isolate myself. Cant handle tele radio etc need quiet lots.mjust want to feel normal again. Functioning. There were times after 18 i went solid patches without panic attacks, could watch tele and so on, but now its like life is over im in my room. Frightened fearful and im a grien woman. How can i please help. I need this to move forward. Thankyou so much for and thoughts etc in advance and i appreciate u reading.