There are so many things that I would like to say. So many things I need to say. Never do, can't or won't. I am so afraid of what his response will be. One time when he was trying to get me to share a difficult memory he said there isn't anything you can say to me that would shock me - you can try, but I don't think you could. Wasted yesterday's session talked about little stuff - seems that is all I can do. I was angry though and even used a curse - (that may not seem like much but I never never never use a curse especially at T) there have been times in the past that he said I could express a little stronger - that it would be alright. Also I am afraid that I offended him. It wasn't even during the session it was at the end when I was leaving - I forget what we were chatting about but I was like those ------- idiots. and he was like tell me how you really feel. I told him to have a good week and continued out the door.

I am falling apart though. I am functioning still but I know it is only a matter of time. I am triggered everywhere I turn and I don't understand. Last night I was very very triggered and I didn't know what to do. I got up enough nerve to call and leave him a message - please tell me what you think -

First I want to apologize I know I was very *itchy & cranky in today's session and I am sorry. But I have been all over the place lately. I am not coping well. I had a whole agenda to come in and talk with you about today and I didn't because I won't. Tonight I was very upset by something and I can't continue to go on like this. I don't understand why. If you could make a note and help tell you about this next time I come in I would appreciate it.

Not that I want to tell him about what actually triggered me. But I can't keep this up. I think I am headed in my downward spiral. I don't know.

I read all of your guys connections and I so badly want that, but I don't know. Somehow I think my T doesn't do that stuff. Do all T's have the basic same kind of training regardless of where they went to school? Will he reject me. I am afraid of that but I also think that I am starting to reject him. I hope some of this makes sense.