So last time T and I weren't on the same page for half the session, she thought my recent bad weekend was due to situational stressors when it was due to basically What we called pandora'a box being opened. I had printed out and given her a large envelope detailing fears, some of the trauma experiences (especially the major ones) and told her because my job situation had stabilized we could start going into that but not that night, as I had to be somewhere and present immediately after.

She understood said she'd read it and to keep writing things and bringing them in because I tend to go mute when I'm upset. I'm positive she will read it but of course now that she'll know the details she's really not going to let me avoid dealing with it not long term anyway, and just the thought of having to talk about it is terrifying.

To make matters worse, I visited some family this weekend and got severely triggered so I ended up calling and leaving her a voicemail asking if it'd be possible to have a session before Wednesday. I can't go into details much here but the only family member I have really left is a self destructive alcoholic.

I know she'll call me back when she's in the office as she always does and will at least spend a few minutes on the phone with me if she can't fit me in before Wednesday but this next session is going to hurt so much.

So I'm definitely starting to worry. I do trust my T, which is a weird concept for me but now that she knows every one of my "coping" mechanisms (I went into my issues with food in the envelope), this is going to be doubly tough.

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