I don't know what to do anymore. I hate my life in general. I've been depressed and dabbled with suicidal thoughts since I was a child. Therapy and meds never got me far. I have little to no relationship with my family and feel like they are nice to me for my parents sake (which the relationship with them isn't good either for various reasons). I've known for 20 years that once my parents are gone, I will never speak to them again. I have very few friends, and only 2 that I talk to on a regular basis, and one of those lives out of state. I loathe and detest my job and most of my coworkers with every fiber of my being, but I'm coming up empty handed trying to find something else. I can't even get interviews. I just feel like I was never meant to be here and I'm fighting a losing battle.

For the vast majority of the year, I don't exist to my relatives. I'll text or email my brother or my sister in law and they don't respond. The only way I can get my cousins attention is to comment on Facebook and suddenly she sees it. I don't even have contact information for most of my relatives. I haven't seen most of them in years. Even when I do see them, they tend to ignore me and I usually end up sitting there playing on my phone. My parents are a bit controlling and emotionally manipulative. They are champions at the guilt trips. I wanted to go abroad for a year or two just to try to stretch my wings a bit and it has spawned months and months of drama that is continuing to this day. It spawned a 2 hour phone call with my dad which included him saying "if you do this, I will die. I will keel over and die." Gee thanks dad. It's the running family joke that he doesn't let me do anything. A couple months ago we went through major drama just over light bulbs and him not listening to me when I said I could get the ones I wanted and put them in without his help (I live in my own house, by the way, I don't live with them). My mom is very self righteous and hates it when people have differing opinions, which is a problem because she and I are as different as night and day. She and I argue a lot. It's to a point where our conversations are very shallow and I just hate being around her.

I've never been good at making friends. I'm shy and can be very quiet and much like my family I feel like many people just don't want me around unless they want something out of me. A friend that I haven't spoken to in months now never just invited me over or out to do things unless she needed something like her computer was acting up or something and wanted help. I knew her for almost 10 years, she was one of my best friends, yet whenever I made plans with her she usually cancelled on me mere minutes before I was supposed to walk out the door to meet her. She knows I've been having a really hard time lately and when I last saw her in January she said "I feel like such a bad friend, I know you are feeling bad and haven't asked how you are doing" and before I could even respond she changed the subject to some movies her and her roommate had gone to see. We live 5 minutes from each other, why didn't she invite me too? Another friend was my best friend clear from when I was 15 years old (I'm 32 now). We've never lived in the same state, so I don't get to see her much and we talked primarily via chat and text. She never texted me first unless she wanted something. I always initiated the conversation. I haven't spoken to her in over a month at this point, but I can guarantee you that if I were to message her she would say "I missed you!". So message me then! Clearly she doesn't miss me all that much or she'd take more initiative. I don't expect every day but ffs send a message once a week or something. I used to talk to her every day but I got tired of feeling like I was bothering her. And it's not like I harp on about my problems and how miserable I feel. I've gotten really good at masking it over the years. I just have no one to talk to. I only have one person I talk to regularly who lives in state, and she has said how she feels like a lot of people with mental illness are just playing games for attention. Ok so I can't really talk to her about it either. I've tried going out and meeting new people but nothing has ever come of it. People tend to not even notice I'm there, even when I say something. On that subject, I've never dated either. Yeah. Never. I'm 32 and never had a boyfriend, never been kissed, never been flirted with, nothin. Guys just aren't interested in me, which I don't blame them but it's a bit of a beat down and just reinforces that feeling that I was never meant to be here.

Then there is the whole subject of my job. I'm what is being dubbed a 'permatemp'. It means I'm a temp through a staffing agency for a large company, but I've been there for years and I do all the same things the full time employees do but am not given the same pay and benefits. I hate what I do anyway, but I've spent 8 years being denied what other people get for doing the same job. On top of that, I'm at the highest position possible in my dept. There is nowhere for me to go unless one of the full timers leaves and I take a supervisor spot. I'm genuinely convinced that this situation has made me unhireable anywhere else. I feel like they look at my resume and despite the myriad of systems I can work in and desks that I've worked on, they see the little note about being a temp and go "what's wrong with this one? why don't they hire her?" IT'S NOT ME! They won't add head count! Matter of fact, they are trying to take more of it away and make people temps! Then the supervisor I work with directly is useless and I'm not the only one who says so. I do a solid chunk of her job because she doesn't want to learn the system for it and help her figure out forms and how to fill things in. I've been asked why I'm not getting her salary and benefits because it's obvious to others that I can work circles around her. But I've been told it's not happening, but that I risk disciplinary action if I don't continue helping her because it's in my job description. I've toyed with the idea of getting a lawyer but I don't have the money for that and from what I can tell from the research I've done on my own what they are doing isn't really illegal, just s**ty. Burned out is a light term.

I'm tired of feeling this way. I'm tired of seeing people who never seem to have to try for anything when I struggle to get out of bed every day. Someone I know is like that. She applied for 3 jobs and got 2 interviews, attracts boys and friends like magnets, has everything handed to her without really trying at all. Whatever problems she has, I'd still trade lives with her in a heartbeat. I have no idea what it's like to wake up and just be happy. I've never felt it and I'm tired of trying to be optimistic that someday things will change and I'll see what everyone else sees. I'm not going to go out and buy a gun or anything, but I wouldn't be too upset if I got hit by a car or had a heart attack or something. No one would notice anyway.

Sorry this is long. Thanks for sticking with me if you did.