Dear T

I googled you again. I don't know why. There's never anything new to find. Only your LinkedIn. You did university and so did your brother and sister. The same with pdoc and his brother and sister. I'm jealous on that. Not that I wanted to go to university, but I did want to go to college. I was so good at studying. Until this started. Anxiety, depression. I've been dealing with this for almost 10 years and it doesn't seem to get better. The only thing I was good in was school. Nothing else was good about me. And now I don't even have that. I'm not good at anything. I never will be. What's the point. It useless. I'm useless.
I don't want to go to therapy anymore. Everytime I get confronted with what I don't have. And it's not just a degree and a good job. You're beautiful, smart, funny, you've a boyfriend and a baby-daughter. You do get along with your brother and sister.
I hate my life so much. I hate myself. I'm disgusted by myself.

I don't know if I can do this any longer. I've read some more info on depression. Appearantly ever depression will end. Really? Right now I don't even now if I want it to end. Maybe I just want it to drag me down deeper and deeper, until finally...

I don't feel like I can talk to you about this. One time, I thought you could help me. But I don't think I can be helped. I feel lost and alone, and I feel I can't talk to anyone about this.