I'm 44 years old w/ ADHD and Bipolar I, Mixed type.

I found out about all of this when I was 32 years old. First ADHD then the Bipolar. I went 32 years as a mother, friend, wife, and a ***** up at every single one of them. I guess I'm lucky I have people who still love me even though I do get it thrown in my face here and there about how ME focused I am.

I think the thing that is most frustrating is that for the most part I seem very functional. No doubt I'm seen as a ****** a lot of the time, but I'm regarded at work as intelligent and good at what I do even if I do come off as condescending or stuck up.

The thing is being functional at work is about all I can muster. My house is a disaster. The only thing differentiating me from the people on Hoarders sometimes is 20 years in the same place. (OK, Maybe not THAT bad). I eat like crap, my house is a wreck.

I HATE my job right now. I've used so much of my time this year just because I couldn't bring myself to go in. I'd have used more if I didn't have them over a barrel so many days and when I called out I "offered" to work from home which they took me up on.

I wake up every day and the first thing I notice before my eyes even open is how irritated I feel. I'm ANGRY that I have to go to that job, but I barely have the energy to put forth into a job search and then there's a fear that whatever comes next won't work out because I've LEFT a job and gotten myself screwed in doing so.

I want to go back to school. Sometimes I wish I could go off of my meds because I miss some of the creativity I know I had, but I also remember how dysfunctional I was without it so that scares me to death as well.

I feel like I could use a year off to breathe easy, but unfortunately my life does not afford me such a luxury and so I try to find a way to cope. I just wish I didn't constantly feel like I was spinning in my head. When I first went on Ritalin, the noise in my head stopped for the first time ever, but it's back. Doc won't up it b/c he thinks it's the Bipolar. Just stressed out. Hoping to find some guidance here.