This was back in December 2014. I was 17 years old. I am female. I was in the pysch ward for cutting/suicidal thoughts.. Without making this long, I basically met a nurse who I became attached to as a mother figure. She just had that fatal mixture that I'm really attracted to in a older woman.. I really wish I wasn't this way. This attachment was particularly bad.

Every time she left at the end of her shift, it devastated me. It was like I had known her for years as my actual mother, and just walked out on me to never be seen again. I was reliving emotions I haven't felt for years. It was painful, to say the least. It got worse each time she would come back. I could barely enjoy the time I had with her, because I kept thinking about how it was going to end. She started talking to me a lot at first, then it became less and less. Until it seemed she was angry or annoyed with me.

I didn't say anything to anyone (the other doctors and nurses) about this because I barely understood at the time why I was so attached to her.. I felt shameful for doing so and the guilt was eating me alive. But my attachment was so strong, I sort of scared her away I think. Every night I would cry for hours after she left. One time I literally just went I my room to cry, even though she was staying for another hour, because I couldn't take the pain of being rejected anymore. I cried, for hours (it was literally 3 hours because I went to my room at 9pm) and at around midnight, when everyone was asleep, I went to the bathroom. I didn't end up taking a shower because I was crying. I was looking for ANY way to kill myself. There wasn't any. If someone would of left a shotgun, I would of killed myself. But it was a pysch ward. There wasn't one. All I had was shampoo and conditioner.. I ate it. I ended up vomiting. I was still crying.. And still emotionally dying inside. I felt abandoned and rejected. Looking back, I realize how stupid this seems... Considering at this point I only known her for 3 DAYS. But it was extremely real, and horrifying to me.

I finally went to sleep that night. I remember dreaming that I was with that nurse again. I was happy I think. But then she left. And I got that horrible feeling again. Of rejection/shame/devastation/abandonment... And I toke a gun.. And I watched myself commit suicide. I heard a scream.. And I woke up to sound of myself screaming. According to a nurse, I say upright and started screaming. I was clinching the bed sheets. The noise of my screaming woke me up.

That was pure hell

That's the worst dream I ever had. I don't know why I posted this I just needed to get it out there I guess. Maybe someone will find it interesting or relate.

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