I'm just too scared to ask questions here. I see so many ppl goes back and forth between on/off medications, I know I can't stay the course, I already got two strikes at work, my boss called and told me.. And I see so many signs of my life's deteriorations, for example this untidy mess, I was too jittery all morning, everything was getting my attentions and every little things wanted me to have thoughts, I was like this yesterday too. At work, I was writing something all morning, neglecting my work, 8 pages, 8 pages of my crap thoughts that I was gonna post here and decided against.

There's just so many signs that I'm so unstable, I am spinning out.

The medication/stabilizer I was on, Lithium. I've read a lot of scary story, damages to your body, and I don't trust doctors 100%, I just can't. I just need a little bit of help, but this doctor seems to be so strict about med compliance, and I'm usually too honest, and I just can't lie and use the system for my symptoms.

I have many reasons for not seeing a doctor any more. One of the biggest concern is that the meds were making me irritable, I say it was uncontrollable. And this was happening during winter time when I usually get depressed, my mood during those period was like blah, for days and days, that's why after 2yrs on meds, I quit.

Now, it's August, the hight of the summer and I've been going up and up, I don't get mania or psychosis or any of that sort that I've read here. I was getting better at seeing how I was doing, at first, my own behavior often surprised me, but now, that's just my normal state.

With my job at stake, I know I'd be even more unstable, I don't think I can make it without some kind of help. But the doctor's office, that just made me feel that I had no control over my life. I don't even know if any psych doctors available here are good ones. I've read somewhere on the internet that only a few psych doctors are qualified to diagnose MI properly here in Japan, and everything I've read about psych meds has both sides, some say it works, the other say it doesn't.

There are many other things like doubts, questions and most importantly, things that I believe in, that are just confusing my decision making right now.

I was screaming more than 10,20 times like "urrgh!!" this morning, I haven't done anything productive all day, I can stay here and keep my head focused in this typing but it'll only last while I'm typing here. It's like my mind goes every which way, I know (and, yes, everything I see, it can be said that I know or I will know), that I've been acting in a particular way that is to say, that there's something wrong with me.

Then I come to this part of forum and have been trying to find any similarities to what's going on inside my head and I see some, but most ppl seems to get depressed more than I do.

When I first diagnosed, I wanted the best medication, so I searched the study and some time later, I joined here. Long story short, I think I covered the basics of MI, yes, DSM. I just don't feel like I'm cycling, I could fall into depression in a few months but I can never tell.

This is my first non meds experiment and I'm hitting a road block here.

A few facts about me right now:

1. It is obvious in everybody's eyes that I'm not doing well mentally.
2. I can't change my belief that I know about myself better than anyone, doctors included.
3. I need help, obviously, it is affecting my life badly.

Probably, I'm doing everybody else's doing or have done before. I can't be sure of anything, I can't be sure of myself either. When I sent this and go do something else, other thoughts will flood in and I easily forget what I've done. It's been like this for a while. And I was never like this before the meds, but some say, bipolar symptoms can get severe over the years. Who knows my last meds might've messed with my head? Legitimate question, isn't it?

It's okay for me to lose this mental edge or whatever by going back to the medication. Knowing what I know, it's scary but I can take it. But can I do it with hope that one day I go med-free again? What about the winter time? Can I just have a little bit of say in that treatment with pills?

I failed but I can try it again. Lots of people do it, so what I was asking were all rhetorical questions. Let me rephrase them and ask something what I really want to know.

Does anyone's mood affected by seasonal change like mine?

Warm months: High, Colder months: Low

So far, I'm convinced that I have hypomanic symptoms during those months. And since this spring, I've seen enough evidence of that. Today, my head is like at the highest state that I've felt in my entire life, I'm like this because this is my day off, I do better during my work days. But I'm slightly going out of sync, maybe more than I know. I haven't read extensively in this part of forum, but i've read some and I haven't seen anything similar to mine, maybe I've missed it.

Has anyone's hypomania been lasted extensive period of time like mine?

I know my background is vastly different than most of members here but I need something, anything that could help me. I'm desperate, I'm breathing hard finishing this up now. It's hard but I'm keeping my head together.

I'm not asking you to diagnose me, and I can read and I can answer questions.

Thanks for reading.

Additional Info about me:

1. I've had about 7 yrs of total isolation from anything out side of this room. It's called 'Hikikomori'. You can look it up on the internet, and Japanese psychologists or some saids that a lot of 'em suffer from BP(2). I don't know if it's true, it could be just media talking, all ********. How could they study someone like me, if they never talked or went outside? The study is bull. Something messed my head up, that much is true. I don't think it's hereditary.