I can understand why it bothers you to have other clients after you. That can cause a sense of being rushed, which is not something PTSD likes. And being able to hear others talking while trying to focus can be very annoying and triggering too.

Our brains do a lot of things automatically and our executive functioning part of our brain doesn't do as much as we think it does. Trauma and "loss" really upsets that and that is why most if not all people resist change. This is especially true as we get older, and how "mid life crisis" became something that most people are actually challenged with.

I am wondering if when you are asked to come out of a disassociated state you react with anger because you actually have a lot of anger that you surpress and you just learned to disassociate because you did not have that anger validated and properly addressed or expressed where you were able to conquer whatever you needed to conquer effectively. It seems that you tapped onto that adreneline and figured out how to burn it off productively, however because you have experienced a trauma you can't seem to channel it that way anymore. That "could be" why you now disassociate because that at least provides a respit because you have not had a way to move forward. That would also explain why you can disassociate and then panic too, there is no direction once you come out of a disassociative state.

Keep in mind most people naturally disassociate so that is a normal thing that takes place in people from time to time. You are just at a point where you slip into it because you have not figured out how to move forward in your life right now because you have experienced something so traumatic and you don't really have the answer as to why either, you are not even sure how to move forward in spite of it because there is no sense of "safe" and "acceptance" you have come to "yet" with it.

By going over one's own history, it allows a person to actually see how their personal inner workings have been set up that they have opperated on. It's not about being judged either, it's about just learning about what is there and how you worked around it in your life so far. Each person is a unique house so to speak and within that house there is an arangement of things they got used to tapping into without much thought. It's much like how you just know where all the light switches are located in your house and you can move through your house without really having to stop and "think on a conscious level" where each one is located. Trauma can actually change that suddenly where a person's private house has suddenly changed and in that change they become very overwhelmed and the conscious mind is really working much harder then it is used to working.

We cannot change a trauma, what we can to is slowly learn how to grieve whatever it is and then find our way towards moving forward in spite of it. When PTSD is complex, that can mean that there are deeply injured parts of an individual that were disturbed with a traumatic event and it can take extra time for that individual to slowly address those issues and work them out to where they are no longer hampering what is taking place in the "now" where one may be stuck with some hurts that one needs to finally sort through. That is what takes patience and time to slowly unravel and sort through on an individual basis.