I'm not sure I'm the kind of Bipolar II to go through cycles. But if I am, I'm going through one right now.

I am feeling antisocial right now. I want to dedicate my life to being single and limit my social interactions. I am fantasizing about shaving my head to symbolize how I have sworn off dating and marrying. I want to scare all men away from approaching me so I wouldn't have to deal with any drama.

I want to scare away all women too so they wouldn't pressure me to date, or make "compliments" on my looks and appearance. Sometimes I fantasize about running a thin knife over my face so it would be permanently scarred and everyone will leave me alone. Just that. I want to be left alone.

I don't want to be a nasty *****, but I do want to effectively keep people away from me. It sounds strange that I put myself "out there" by getting involved in my church, trying to become a mental health advocate, working on my journalism career, just plain socializing, and yet I want to be as antisocial as possible. Part of me loves hurting people by being cold and standoffish. I especially love it when I am rude and cold towards baristas and store cashiers. They see my sad or angry face, and they try to cheer me up, and I flat out ignore them.

I believe the reason why I do all this is because I am lashing out at society in general. I was the type of kid who was viciously bullied from kindergarten to even college. To a degree, I hate people and want them to pay for bullying. It angers me that while growing up, people denied me any social acceptance, but once I hit my early 20s, suddenly everyone wanted me to be part of the group like everyone else. Ugh! The world spends years denying me social acceptance, and then suddenly it wants me to be a part of it?!

Refusing to ever date or have a boyfriend or even get married is like the perfect rebellion against a world that suddenly wants me to be a part of it. If being in a relationship has some sort of positive social status, then I want no part in it. I don't feel its anyone's business that I'm seeing someone or in a relationship with someone. I remember when I dated guys and the way people stuck their noses in to it, and thought it was so cute that we were seeing each other. I hated it and even now, the memories make me feel sick. Seriously, who cares? I can't stand how being in a relationship is the only sign of a successful life, and there's nothing else to symbolize you did well in life. And who the hell am I answering to, anyway?

Anyway, me choosing to remain single for good is the perfect way to stick the middle finger up at the whole social world. That way, no one has any control over me, no guy can come near me, no woman can influence me, my looks and appearance belong to me and not society. It's like a big power trip, and it feels good.

Yeah, part of me feels wrong and guilty about this, like its unnatural to want to remain an island. I've had this problem on and off since I was a teenager. I'd go for a couple of years wanting to remain single and friendless, then go for a few years wanting to be social like everyone else. I appear to heading back into the antisocial cycle again after trying to be sociable for a couple of years. However, this time I want to have friends only and keep guys at a cool, safe distance. There's something funny about tormenting guys this way, like knowing how it hurts them that a woman just wants to insult them is like a huge power trip. Seriously, seeing a guy's face crumble is hysterical!

I had really bad experiences this year over dating, men, physical appearances, women friends, etc. I just want to lash out over what I've been through and not have to deal with dating, relationships, sex, etc. ever again. It's been so stressful, and it caused my first hypomanic episode in 9 years. I've been on a mental and emotional roller coaster nonstop since March, and I'm tired of it. I just want the whole damn world to leave me alone and stay the ***** away from me.

Yet, I've falling apart again. I've been having crying spells in public, detached from everything around me, acting childishly flirtatious with every man that passes me by, forgetful and moody. I'm such a mess now, and there's no one to turn to because everyone is a judgmental a**hole. I'm losing it, and my medication isn't keeping me steady. Granted, I forgot to take them for four days due to an intense work schedule. I wonder if the stress that I'm under is causing me to act bizarrely.

Is this possible? What's going on here? Help!