I tried to replay the last 3 appointments in my head because after the phone call from you I thought, "there's either something I'm not getting or something I'm ignoring." Still not sure. Here's the thing, I read 3 more chapters and as I read them I was able to connect the book with my issues and with the things you tell me. Only one day later my head feels foggy and I can't recall much of what I read. The only thing I am sure of is that I need to remove the thorns. I even know what my thorns are, I just can't recall how to remove them. So I will do my best to pick up the book and read the 3 chapters again.

That being said, I'm afraid. I want to continue to be honest with you but for some reason, hopefully insanity, I fear that if I am not getting a handle on my relationship with you... You will give up on me. Please don't give up on me now. I feel like I am so close to understanding what I need to be doing but then there's practicing it. I fear that I will need a lot of practice. Maybe not. That would be great.

Another thing... I know that every time I do something right you wonder why I did it. Rightfully so. I understand the importance of me doing these things for myself. I can honestly tell you that you are NOT the reason I didn't smoke pot in California. I am staying clean for one silly reason... I want that glow-in-the-dark key tag they give at one year! After that year... I don't know what will be keeping me clean.

Almost everything else that I am doing, I am doing it for you. I'm showering more often for my cousin. I'm brushing my teeth for my sister. I go to work to keep me sane and more importantly to keep from being homeless. So as I admit this here and now I am aware... Again... That I do not care about myself enough to do these things for me. I don't know how to correct this. I think losing my weight will help my self-esteem but I am afraid to put it all on that one outcome. Aren't there other things that I can also do?

I try to imagine my life without you. How will it change? I will have to be the driving force behind my continuing to improve my life. I will have to want to do these things for me. Let's say I am capable of this. Then what? Do I stay in town and hope that I find a friend or partner that I want to spend time with? It doesn't seem likely that I will be successful in that. Do I move to wherever my sister is and live my life waiting to be included in her life... As a babysitter? That is not what I want.

Eventually you will leave. Eventually it will be over. I just see no reason to live. I'm sorry. So you can go now or later... I'm not sure it even matters. I have no life. This is my life. Dull. Lonely. Desperate. If it weren't for my meds you could add depressed to the list.

I won't read this to you because honestly, what can you do? It would only frustrate you and if I were you I would hate the thought that someone's life hinges on mine. That's not fair. It's not right. What can either of us do? Nothing, it seems. I suppose I will continue to work on the things you and the book are teaching me. Maybe life will get better and I will find a reason to live besides you.