Dear T

I'm still in bed. I'm so tired. I feel so much disgust for myself.
I was thinking about pdoc. And then about you. About your little daughter and about how happy you look on pictures with her. You always look happy. Or at least content with yourself. Do you even know how it feels to hate yourself, to not like yourself? Have you ever experienced that? I don't mean just a few times for something specific. But seriously hate yourself, not liking yourself, for a long period.
It hurts so much. The pain won't go away. The thoughts won't go away. Sometimes they disappear to the background a little bit, but they're always there.
I want to disappear. I don't want to see anyone. I don't want to socialize. I don't want to talk. I don't want to think.
You think it can get better. We talked about. Other people can get better. So why wouldn't I can. But you don't know how I feel. You hear me tell you. I tried to tell you as good as I can. But you can't feel my feelings. You can't feel how much it hurt. I don't know if you ever experienced it. I think you don't, at least not so severe. I can't be sure. You don't tell me much about yourself.
But you're happy now. You feel good about yourself. You did when you were my age, I've been having you as a T when you were this age. You looked confident and happy.
I don't know if I can keep doing this. Seeing a T who looks so good. Happy. It's not like your smiling all the time. But it shows on your face that you're in a good place.
It reminds me that I'm not. And it ****ing hurts.