I don't think I can get better right now, I'm completely devoid of hope and I'm worried my current psychiatrist and psychologist (hospital outpatient psych), will think I'm too hopeless or beyond help too and just leave me alone. I don't think I can handle this on my own and it would really hurt to have such specialized/high level help decide I'm hopeless.

I'm very worried about my safety. Not so much specific suicide plans but such a strong urge to hurt myself that I think is heading that way quickly.

The ridiculous thing is I am afraid of dying but I believe this is where I am heading. I can't do this. I'm in so much pain, I hate myself, and I feel such stfong horrible violent thoughts about myself



I'm afraid I'm not going to be okay because the will to get better isn't there and I don't know where to go from there. No amount of psych help will be enough if all I feel inside is that I want out of my life and I don't care enough about myself to want to be safe.



Part of me is afraid too. Afraid of dying and that's why I'm still here. I'm thinking of not going back to therapy next week though. She's helped me a lot but it's all stuff to make my life better and to get over my depression and I don't feel like I want to get better now. I don't want a health or happy life, I want out. There's no point in wasting her time and mine because I'm not trying hard enough.



I couldn't handle coming home to my disgusting apartment and crying all night after work again, so I went home and had unprotected sex (I'm on the pill) with the office creep. He told me I have the body of a snowman and I look like a blob of ice cream on the sidewalk. He fell asleep and I cried. I hate myself so much.



This isn't about ex-t. It's part of it and I think a catalyst, but it's been coming. I'm tired, i hate myself, I want out.

I don't know, what do I do when I can't do it anymore? but a little tiny part of me wants help, not even out of a desire to heal or live, but because I'm terrified?