It's time to be in a safer place, PF. I get what you're saying and what you're feeling right now. When we get to this place, it's time to stop trusting what our brains are whispering to us and get to a place of safety. Call your treatment team or even better, go directly to the ER and tell them that you're not safe on your own right now. Please let others help you right now. It can change.