I have always been against pornography...i dont know why really...i guess its always made me uncomfortable....but everyone is talking about it...and some say its ok..and others say its not...and honestly...i never even seen it really...and you cant call watching rated R movies due to some nudity ( lol a butt) porn....so ...i was curious ok...just plain freaking curious....and i got online...and i looked at it...im 19 ive never seen it before...and there i am...like a moron...with my jaw dropped...im sure it crashed through the earth and the people in japan had no freaking idea what kinda of animal it was lol....and i got aroused from it...which is terrible..i was just curious...i just wanted to see why everyone was talking about it...and what it looked like...( might i add alot of it looked fake...a man cannot be that freaking long...i dont know) and to make matters worse....my boyfriend caught me....right after i made a huge deal with me catching him looking at it!!!! And he hasnt made a big deal about it....actually he hasnt even remotely hinted which now makes me wonder....did he actually catch me or did i press the little red x in time....i dont know..im so embarressed....and deeply ashamed...how could i even be aroused at such an awful thing....im a terrible person arent i...im not saying people who look at porn are awful....please dont think that...im terrible because i made a huge hissy fit to my bf about it...and here i am becoming aroused by it....and now comes another problem....i am a very addictive person..caffine...SI....eating....drinking....and i cant afford to become addicted to the one thing i speak out against....this is really embarressing for me everyone..if you could have seen the damage i did to myself after this i think you might all realized i punished myself severly for such arousement....and perhaps you wont punish me too badly for saying it..but i cant keep it in..the guilt is eating away at me....this feels so horrible and i keep kicking myself because of all this....i mean ...after my bf "caught" me i kinda lost it...literally...dissociating....the works...it took an act of God to go to work....im sorry...i hope all of you will forgive me...maybe someday i will pay greatly for my mistakes....
love,
inny