My monthly pdoc appointment was yesterday, and on the way there I worked up the guts to tell her at least some of what has been going on. It was less than two miles of walking, and yet I still felt exhausted by the time I got there, like I needed a serious nap, so it was somewhat difficult to talk.

But I told her that a couple weeks into the Olanzapine I started to feel really depressed and also get anxiety, so I was tempted to skip doses, which I then did, start skipping dosages, and only taking it on/off. I also made a point to express that I knew it was foolish of me, but that skipping dosages is very tempting when I feel like it makes my depression symptoms even worse. I also admitted to having suicidal thoughts a lot this past month, but said that I don't think I'm actually suicidal, or else I would probably be dead by now.

I was surprised and disappointed when she didn't want to give me anything for depression or anxiety. She wants to keep my on the 10mg of Olanzapine and refilled my prescription, though. She said she thinks I should use therapy for the depression and anxiety symptoms. But in addition to financial issues being in the way, I don't really see much point in therapy. I've tried therapy. You talk about what bothers you, the therapist makes some comment like, "That sounds stressful," or "That must have made you feel sad," and then you leave still feeling like garbage. Therapy doesn't really do anything, IME, except maybe make it even worse since you spend 45 minutes dwelling on what's bothering you in the first place, and then leave after getting all worked up about it.

I didn't want to argue, though. We only had about 12 minutes to talk altogether, and I was tired and spacing out. But on the walk home all I could make of things was that my feelings of depression, anxiety and suicide must be normal feelings. If they weren't normal feelings, then they would need medication. But they don't need medication, they're normal feelings, feelings and thoughts that make sense. I just had this overall feeling that my pdoc was implying that maybe I should commit suicide after all, even though that can't be it. I don't know.

I took the Olanzapine last night, and started dreaming while awake. It makes me feel high at first. I heard music and my mind filled with imagery, a crystal hall where a female robot was dancing alone. Drifted in and out of drunken-like sleep all night. Now it's the next day and I feel physically depressed again. No energy, very groggy, very stiff. I feel old. The sadness is there, but it's blunted. I don't want to eat or shower or do anything.

I figure it's my fault, since I'm too docile and anxious to cause a ruckus. I'm always too calm, too polite, too self-controlled. Maybe she thought I was malingering for some.. anti-depressants? I guess it's a little funny.