I don't understand, either. She just wants me to do AP monotherapy. If I stick with the Olanzapine and continue to get worse with it, then she wants to switch APs, try Abilify is what she had said. I know I don't seem bad enough, I never do. I never seem like anything, and then implode by myself. Normally I don't have to worry much about suicidal thoughts. I don't think I have it in me to literally attack myself, outside of SH but that's quite different and not exactly dangerous-dangerous. I usually will just quit eating and plan to starve myself to death, but that takes weeks, and I usually come around internally before I'm anywhere close to dying, it makes for a decent coping safety net. But having all these pills and knowing how many milligrams it takes just makes it so easy to consider the possibility, and all it takes is a few impulsive, gutsy minutes. So I feel weird about it. I also feel like a typical PIA borderline. I have medication that's supposed to make me feel better, but it doesn't, so I can't stop thinking about ODing on it. But they're just thoughts. I've almost died enough times to know that I don't really want to die, even it takes me til the last minute to realize it.