Right, I'm just trying to sort this out in my head...
So, you said that when I feel abandoned by you I get angry. Which I do.

But when you try to get close, I back off. Which is true. I can't handle it and I feel too vulnerable. Also I don't trust you, or trust what you say. I wonder what your motives are.

And then, after a session like that, I am mixed between wanting to make you very happy iykwim, and wanting to be really really nasty, and hurt you.

I'm trying to make sense, but I can't. What's going on? And I can't tell you that last bit, so....