Well tomorrow I can get some work done. She doesn't work Wednesdays. There were a couple times during my day that I actually felt aroused either talking to her or looking at her. I don't know what is going on in her head, but I know what's going on in mine.

The employees that work on the sales floor are not supposed to wear jeans. Everyone was kinda ignoring the dress code but our boss is cracking down on it at the moment. She had on black jeans and asked me with a smile while pointing to her jeans, "What do you think when you see these? Do you think jeans?" I gave her a big grin and said, "No that's not what I'm thinking when I see you in those." She smiled knowingly and walked away. It's like she's teasing me.

Later I have my lunch but on my way out of the break room she comes in so I go back in to chat with her. I don't remember much of the conversation. I told her that I liked the freckle on her lip. She said thank you. Later she told me that it was her husband's birthday tonight. She said she made his favorite meal but she would be desert. That didn't bother me really. I just continued to stare at her but didn't realize that I was doing that until she said, "If I didn't know any better I would think that you were high because of the mischievous smile on your face." I assured her that I wasn't but then realized that I had been doing to her what I do to my therapist and anyone else I am enamored with. I told her that I needed to get back to work.

Not long after she brought some paperwork to receiving and said, "I need a desk." I told her she could work on my counter when I really should be using it to work. I started to stare again and she said, "There's that mischievous smile again." I apologized and said, "I'm sorry I have been told by my T that it can be off putting." She laughed at the words "off putting" and said that it didn't bother her at which point I asked her what I had to do to bother her. She asked if I was trying and I said, "No!" She just smiled and said, "You don't bother me." I looked at her and said, "You know, you're really pretty." I totally felt like I was hitting on her in an obvious way. She stumbled on her words and said, "Thank you. I'm glad you think so." I walked away.

I'm sure this is way more than anyone cared or cares to read but I need to work through this somewhere to figure out what is going on. If I need to put on the brakes.

As nice as it all feels and I enjoyed it today, I think I am going to get frustrated and possibly hurt. I just don't see this ever going anywhere. Even if there would be a time where I might be allowed to go further with her, I know that it would only be temporary. Like my therapist said, "It's a dead end."

I want to talk to him so he can tell me how to stop putting energy into the situation. I am afraid though, that I am going to have to figure it out on my own until I see him a week from this Thursday. I should be able to do this on my own but something else takes over me when I'm around her.

Thanks for letting me share this here.