Thanks everyone. I ended up getting stitches in 4 of them (2 aren't that big), and lectured about how I could lose feeling in my leg or something. They redid my blood test for anemia because both this time as well as last time (last time was worse and I didn't get medical help) I lost a lot of blood. The ER here is awful. So are the psych wards though. I told them I am not going to go home and kill myself and they let me leave. My T and pdoc will be happy I actually got medical care for once.

So they let me go bec I'm seeing my pdoc anyway on Friday. New psychologist is on vacation until next week, we have an appt Tuesday. I feel bad because she said she was nervous about leaving me right now to go on her trip and I said I would be safe.

I'm afraid to tell her the extent to which I don't care about fixing myself or my life and how I just want to destroy myself until I get up the guts to end it. She knows I have been having strong suicidal thoughts and dangerous cutting but I haven't admitted that I don't really want to get better right now.

She makes me feel safer and like she really knows what she's doing but she can't make someone live who doesn't want to. Or make me stop hurting myself when I just want it to get worse. I know it has to come from me, and I'm afraid to tell her in case they decide that therapy/meds aren't helping and kick me out of the outpatient program or something and leave me with no help. I'm worried because we've been working together since February she's going to decide I'm hopeless because I'm getting worse with this. Last time I saw her before she went away she said she was worried that my SH is getting really dangerous and I'm in trouble... Now I am going to have this social worker checking on me too. I keep getting scared I'm beyond help. I'm afraid because I feel like I need it but I also feel like she's wasting her time... Does that make any sense? I want to ask if they will kick me out soon and leave me with no support, it scares me and I feel like just not going back since I obviously don't care enough about myself to get better anyway. But I still want help and don't want to be left alone with this... So much confusing contradiction.

How can I want out of life so bad but be scared at the same time? It makes no sense.

I want to tell her how desperately I don't care anymore and how I'm not even trying to follow the safety plan befire I hurt myself now because I don't care about my safety and I WANTED to hurt myself. That's not trying. But I'm afraid of being left alone with all this. I think I'm really terrified of being abandoned right now too, being shown my safety/life have no value. That's pretty much the message I got from my ex-T, even though this one seems very ethical. How do you pretty much tell someone you've given up on yourself but a small part of you wants help because you're scared?


I also keep thinking of the office creep who ripped my big patch of bandaid and gauze from my leg last night (from last time), pretty much recoiled in disgust and said, "we could tell you had issues, but you really are F***ing crazy, aren't you?"

I just took an Ativan and I'm getting drowsy so I'll respond more tomorrow.

Thanks everyone, I am not immediately suicidal, so I will be okay the next few days.